(BTW I realize I may have anger issues as two posts in a row have had the words, or alluded to the words “F**k Off.” I’m oddly okay with that and will be ignoring it and moving on.)

Listen here Facebook I realize you were originally intended to bring me closer to friends and relatives that I rarely speak to but let’s all agree that enough is enough. I can’t stop on my own. You are like crack so I request that you somehow crash never to be fixed again.

Your demise is really for the best of all involved. I have had to “block” a number of “friends” from my feed to keep from hating them. It is for the good of our friendship that I have done this. Although it makes social situations awkward as I have to admit I haven’t seen something they have posted or pretend I have while stuffing my face with chips and dip to try and make it less obvious I know little to nothing about whatever subject they are talking about.

I realize this is not a one sided thing. I have to assume that of my 228 closest “friends” at least 200 of them have blocked me from their feed. I mean who can handle the endless supply of dog jokes, puppies in need of adoption, and pictures of Riggins? A person can only take so much!

Mother’s Day, like Valentine’s Day, and other such holidays only makes my hatred of Facebook deeper and causes an increased amount of times I hit “hide from feed” for people I honestly like but for that one second want to strangle. Here is an example of what you may have done to get hidden (for the good of our friendship —- I can’t emphasize that enough —- for the good of our friendship):
* Posting a picture of your unborn baby’s sonogram or that stick your wife peed on to prove she was indeed pregnant (always the guy who does that). The picture is creepy. Once born I will give you “oohs and awwwes” for your adorable child but at this point he/she looks like an alien. Why would you do that to me? AND WHY THE PEE STICK? Here is the conversation that would happen if someone knocked me up and then posted a pee stick as his profile picture:
Dude: Why’d you block me from your feed.
Wendy: How did you know that did you hack into my account? We are over.
Okay maybe not like that perhaps this:
Dude: Why’d you block me from your feed.
Wendy: Because you made a picture of a stick I peed on your profile picture. No one wants to see that. What is wrong with you? Moron. We are over.
Well — either way my child is born a bastard.
* Posting any ridiculous comment about anything which you ask others to post as well. During valentines day it was about how you are lucky you have the love of your life and if the reader has the love of his/her life he/she should change her status to indicate it. Wow. Thanks. Can I have dagger with that self helping of shame and horror. No really thanks for that. Soooo happy that fad spread like wildfire. For the past fee weeks it has been all about Mom’s day. A similar, “if you have a child…” caused the same dagger reaction from me but I just saw a new posting:
Mothers’ Day declaration ~ I wanted you before you were born. I loved you when you were born, I saw your face and I knew that I was in love. Before you were an hour old, I knew I would die for you. To this day, I will. This is the miracle of life. Put this on your status if you have a child or children you love more than life. ♥ “
Now don’t get me wrong I really like the woman who posted this. She is an honest and a really nice person. Still … dagger please and golf claps for the bold dare. I mean you are really putting every other mom on the spot since it is inferred that if they don’t repost they don’t love their child’s life as much as their own. Hell I felt so bad I almost reposted it in reference to Riggins.
* Telling me what you are doing vs. working during the hours of 8:30 – 5:30. Now if you are on vacation then feel free to lay it on me pictures and all. If you don’t have a job (and although I do consider housewife/mom a full time job for this specific example let’s define job as somewhere you go from 8:30-5:30 ish Mon – Fri and get paid for) I don’t want to hear about it. The endless trips to Disneyland, the mall, getting nails done, massages, naps during the day, trips to the beach, gym outings, picnics, etc really do nothing more than piss me off as I’m stressing over how to close $50,000 by the end of the day.

That’s the short list but you get the point. So once again Facebook I plead with you. I’m not strong enough to give you up on my own. I need help. For the good of everyone involved you just need to find a way to walk away.

Thank you in advance for understanding.