There are certain online dating rules. You don’t have to follow them but if you end of dead don’t come crying to me. I’ve had problems just giving out my phone number prior to meeting on a first date (I won’t do it anymore. I know that seems extreme but you try and manage the nonstop “hey what’s up?” texts after midnight on the weekends when morons get drunk and start randomly texting people they have numbers for.) and you aren’t going to know where I live until after the second date at a minimum (A rule I’m now rethinking to “never” knowing where I live …. I’ll always meet you somewhere vs have you pick me up. I’m trying to be really nice to a poor soul who I stopped seeing back in Dec and yet continually texts and wants to call to try and get back together. It’s over dude. Move on. BUT he knows where I live and I don’t want to come home to Riggins painted with the words “bitch” on him. It’s mean and not accurate as he is a male dog. HA HA HA HA … THAT CRACKED ME UP! I’M SOOOOOOOO FUNNY.)

Now as you age you should be even more aware of these rules and the fact that others will want to follow them. Which makes this email I received on Friday from a 53 year old owner of a couple bagel stores even worse:

Are you spontaneous and game for a great time?

Are you spontaneous and game for a great time?
So I’m going to this tonight and I thought you might want to go with me.

*link to event*

I know it is last minute. You can check me out and feel safe with me.

Also there will be a ton of people.

I know we would have fun….

Let me know….

*name of a guy who obviously owns a couple bagel stores*

I took out the link to save Bagel guys identity so let me explain that this link goes to an invite to some guy’s yacht for wine tasting. Let me understand this. You want me (a darling young and vibrant 36 year old) to go to Newport Beach and board a yacht with you (a 53 year old bagel shop owner) because you say I should trust you. Do you want me to bring the rope and heavy weight that you will use to tie me up and throw me overboard too? I might as well. Why make your life more difficult? Let me make it as easy as possible for you to make me disappear off the face of the planet. Don’t worry. It isn’t clear if you want me to pay the $25 it costs to sail out on your “friends” yacht and to my own demise. I got it. $25 is a bargain for wine and death.

Although I do like bagels. I wouldn’t mind dating a bagel mogul. Crap. Now I’m thinking I made a mistake. Bagels are delicious.