Tag Archives: Victoria Secret

My Underwear

10 Monday Jun 2013

Posted by in Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, ,

image (2)

(Pictures of me in my underwear would be weird so please enjoy these pictures of cutie dogs instead.)

I had a dream last night that I went to Victoria’s Secret to have them measure my bra size.  They took the two measurements and were in shock that I was even alive.  Apparently I was all out of wack and my portions were impossible, hence my inability to find a well-fitting bra.  I was horrified.

I think there were two things causing this nightmare.  One – I really do need a new bra or two.  Two – I really need some new underwear.  That night as I was brushing my teeth I grabbed a pair of nighttime undies.  How are nighttime undies different from daytime undies?  Well I’m glad you ask.  During the daytime I wear a classy thong so I don’t show any unsightly panty lines.  At night I can’t imagine sleeping well with a piece of fabric up my butt so I change to a more full fitting underwear.  A gynecologist will tell you to sleep with no undies on at all but I just can’t do it.  I need a barrier between my nether regions and the bed sheets especially if there may be one or more dogs joining me in the bed … UNDERWEAR NEEDED!

image (3)The minute I put last nights pair on I realized I knew them well.  These have a HUGE hole in the side.  HUGE.  Crazy big.  I mean to throw them away each time I find them but then I wear them, throw them in the laundry, and they get put back in rotation.  For a second I thought about taking them off and throwing them away right then, but they were already on so …. I just got into bed.  Don’t judge me.  I had a long weekend and just wanted to crawl into bed ASAP.

My problem is I don’t like shopping for underwear.  I don’t care.  I need an underwear club” where I give them my credit card and they just send me a new set every three months or so.  I’ve stormed out of Victoria’s Secret more than once.  Either because I hated one of the “helpers” or it was too annoying to find my size, or in the dressing room I wanted to cry, or I saw a price tag that made me furious.  It’s traumatizing.

Shopping for underwear falls under all the other girly things I can’t take the time to care about.  Like getting my nails done.  Sooooooooooo boring.  While shopping for clothes I’ve thrown fits in dressing rooms screaming, “Why would this stores buyer purchase such hideous clothing??!!!???”  The only reason I get my hair professionally cut and colored is because my hair lady is my friend and is a hoot to talk to.  I’m about as tom boyish as you can get without actually being a tom boy.  I’m not saying I don’t like to be fancy and girly.  I do!  If it was socially acceptable I’d live in a corset and carry around a fan for dramatic effect all day long.

photo (8)Since I’m not going to Victoria’s Secret to live out my nightmare I looked up how to measure my bra size online.  Please note I’m right now wearing a 36 C.  I figured my measurements would say I needed a D cup and that would make sense.  I’m okay with that.  Nope.  According to the internet and my tape measure I’m a 34 F.  HA HA HA HA … Bullshit.  I know I have large boobs but F … That’s bigger than a DDD.  I feel like if I got an F cup I could store a couple of the small dogs I babysit in each one for safe keeping while we are on a walk.  F.  HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Screw it.  I’m going to put my sports bra on and call it a day.

 

I’m Not Okay Living in the Antarctic!

13 Wednesday Feb 2013

Posted by in Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , , ,

I realize this post will cause me a lot of grief from those located in less desirable weatherdownload locations but I don’t care.  IT’S COLD!  I live in sunny Southern California.  SUNNY being the keyword.  It has been sunny during the day.  I can’t deny that.  You’ve seen all the pictures I’ve posted lately.  Unfortunately, once that sun drops behind Griffith Park my house doubles as an iceberg.  A FREEZING LIFE DESTROYING ICEBERG!

Certainly you can blame my fragile, born and raised in Los Angeles, body.  Anything outside of 68-90 degrees makes me grouchy.  67 degrees is intolerable.  Lately our nights have been getting down to the low 40s and even (gasp) mid 30s.  WHAT THE FREAKIN’ FREAK IS THAT????  I didn’t agree to live in the Antarctic.

I put blame on our buildings.  My house in particular.  It isn’t built for drastic weather swings.  I can spend 1 million dollars on my monthly power bill, have the heater tuned up to 95 degrees, and my house will never reach much higher than the outside temperature.  All my man-made heat will just find it’s way through my walls, under the house and up past the “attic.”  No insulation.  If you go to Minnesota right now and go into a building you can happily take your coat off and enjoy the unnatural warmth.  If you come to my house I suggest you bring a hoodie.

photo (9)Sunday at dinner my good friend from WI couldn’t stop laughing at me.  I was ready for a So Cal cold snap.  I had my dad’s giant down jacket on (he would say I stole it while I say possession is 90% of the law) along with a super comfy infinity scarf my mom knitted for me.  I had thought about long johns but decided they would be too bulky under skinny jeans.  My WI friend demanded to take pictures of me bundled up to show her children how ridiculous I was.  She says ridiculous and I say warm and toasty.  At the same time another friend had the guts to say, “it isn’t that cold you can barely see your breath.”  BARELY.  I CAN BARELY SEE MY BREATH.  EXCUSE ME FOR OVERREACTING.  LET ME GO GET MY BIKINI ON!

Lately I’ve had to add pants to my normal pajamas (tank top and underwear).  Last night I had a one woman protest against the cold and refused to put pants on so that my legs could return to their nightly freedom.  It was so cold under my covers I had to curl up in a ball like Riggins.  Even running in place on my side to help build up friction and heat didn’t help.  I needed to get up and get pants and socks.  I could feel limbs giving into frostbite but as cold as it was under those covers it was colder out of them.  I couldn’t fathom making the 4 feet journey between the foot of my bed and my dresser.  Finally, a light bulb went on and I realized my afghan was on top of my duvet.  Exposing as little skin as possible to the raw air of my bedroom I grabbed the afghan, tucked it under all the covers and wrapped myself up in it like a burrito.  The yarn made a barrier between me and my ice-cold sheets allowing me to sleep.  Bear Grylls would be proud of my survival techniques.

I’m not the only woman who has had to suffer through such ridiculous weather.  Did you see the recent news on Kate Upton‘s photo shoot for Victoria Secret’s swimsuit cover?  Hilarious.  I can’t even make it funnier by interpreting it for you.  Just read it …. http://tinyurl.com/afwux4w.

“‘The penguins kept me going,’ she joked. ‘They’re adorable, and any time I was like, ‘I can’t take any more, I can’t,’ I would look at them and I was like, ‘OK, for them.’’’ – On NBC’s Today Show.

Joking?  You sure about that Matt?  I think she may have been really doing it for the penguins.  She’s a hero people.  She temporarily lost eyesight and hearing for that shot that is so generic and already so heavily photoshopped (http://tinyurl.com/buhkshx) it could have been taken in  my living room right here in “sunny” California.  All icebergs look the same.