I sometimes lie. Now before you gasp in horror, grab your handkerchief and demand smelling salts let me suggest that we all lie … just a little bit. I dare to suggest that nearly every time the following statements are uttered from someone’s lips there is some untruth involved:
- “No I don’t want any dessert.”
- “Those yoga pants make your butt look great.”
- “Pleased to meet you.”
- “Honestly she said nothing bad about you.”
- “Growling means he likes you.”
- “Get whatever you want. I don’t mind picking off toppings I don’t like.”
- “Your children are always so well-behaved.”
- “I never drink alone.”
The place I do the most lying? Where I get my eyebrows waxed. There are few things in life that make you feel better for so little then getting your eyebrows done. You can walk into the salon feeling like an ugly hairy chupacabra and 15 minutes later walk out feeling like Snow White. It’s a special kind of magic and I will lie so I can experience it. I’ve been getting my eyebrows done at the same place for years. I’m not going to tell you were for fear that they read this and red flag me in their system. In the past few years their casual questions prior to the treatment have become more detailed and now include a questionnaire and signature. Forcing me to actually document my lies.
Years ago one of the few questions was, “do you use Retin-a.” I’d casually mummer back, “nope.” The entire time mentally picturing the tube of wonderful goop that was hidden behind my bathroom mirror. I never had a problem. Not once. But every single time I was worried that 1/2 my face was going to be ripped off by the hot wax and the woman would scream pointing at me, “LIAR!”
That day in Bar Method class when I almost passed out and I watched the color drain from my face in the full length ballerina mirror, I noticed that my eyebrows had gotten OUT OF CONTROL! Yesterday I took the time to fix that and in doing so had to go through my list of “please just fix my eyebrows” lies.
- Do you drink alcohol – Yes.
- Did you drink alcohol today – No. (Define “today.” Is that the last 24 hours or just the last couple hours. Are we talking since I’ve gotten up or since Riggins woke up from his last nap.)
- Do you take antibiotics – No. (Crap. I think I forgot to take my antibiotic this morning. So really this isn’t a lie. I mean I’m on day 7 of 10 so I should be in the clear.)
- How many glasses of water did you drink today – 8. (When measured in shot glasses.)
- Do you take aspirin – Yes.
- Did you take aspirin today – No. (Crap I forgot to take that too. Did I take any of my pills this morning? Crap.)
- Did you take aspirin this week – No. (Yes.)
- Do you stay out of the sun. – Yes. (Except every day when I hike or walk Riggins or go to the dog park or …)
- Sign here proving everything you said is truthful – WENDY LYN NEWELL
I mean enough with the inquisition. Slap some wax on my face and let’s get this party started! My theory is that this list of questions (that goes on for much longer) is obviously for my own good and therefore if I wish to ignore them that’s on me. Should something go wrong then “my bad.” I’m happy to say nothing went wrong and I happily skipped out of the place looking and feeling like a million bucks. My bum was a little warm from the flames in my pants but one has to suffer for beauty!