From today’s well thought out and scientific “match”. You are 42 years old and thought the best headline to introduce yourself to the online dating world included the words “Huggy Bear?”

One would hope this post is from some a**hole “screwing around”. Since Chemistry feels we will be a good fit and he counts as one of my “matches” today I’d like him grab something heavy. Tie it to himself. Walk out to the Santa Monica Pier. And jump.

A**hole.

On match.com, like other dating sites, you post pictures of yourself. I usually get annoyed at those guys who post no pictures at all but I think this may be worse. Now this guy does have picture of himself up … which is good … he is cute. Still, what in the HELL made him think it was a good idea to post a picture of some naked chick with a tramp stamp? I really can’t tell if it is a print of a painting or a photo but does it matter? It’s a naked chick with a tramp stamp. HOW IS THAT A GOOD IDEA? This is worse that those guys with no photos, or photos with ex girlfriends (blurred face or not) or the ones who are hugging strippers/professional dancers/cheerleaders/etc.

Does it really need to be said? I guess it does.

Online Dating Tip –

If you are a dude looking to make contact with a nice gal don’t put a picture of some chick’s ass on your profile.

I’m here to help.

This is a screenshot from my Chemistry.com account that shows me my “connections.” I have 254 of them. That means I have gone out to more than 254 guys saying “I’m interested to learn more about you” or in Wendy online dating language, “I’ll totally meet you for a drink”. MORE THAN 254. MORE THAN. MORE THAN 254. There isn’t a font big and bold enough to write that.

I say more than since some guys, for one reason or another, have deleted themselves from my list. I’m sure for very logical reasons. Like, I’m not Asian (happened for a fact), have short hair, have a dog (which I will give you a pass on if you are allergic or just plan ol’ lame), don’t smoke, exercise a min. of 5 days a week, live in LA, drink socially, and am not “god fearing” (read past post for the pass on this one). That’s about all they have to base this “OMG I have to delete myself from this chick’s list” on. My profile doesn’t offer you much more.

Of the 254 guys a percentage I went out with so they get a “thanks for trying” participant ribbon. Neither of us have the energy to delete from the list.

BUT a good percentage of those guys never responded. NEVER RESPONDED. EVER. WHY ARE YOU ON THE SITE? WHY? EXPLAIN TO ME WHY. (Again this demands a much bigger angrier font style.) I’ll have to assume it is because I drink socially. It is such a turn off!

Now Chemistry has a new feature. It allows you to skip all their useless “get to know each other” steps and just email someone. I think I should go to all 254 one by one and write the following:

“Dear (fill in name).

I was going through my Connection list on Chemistry and realized you haven’t responded to me in the past XXX (fill in number of days). I’d love to meet you for drinks. That is, unless you are dead.

XOXO,
Wendy”

The XOXO may be a little bit of an overkill.

(Someday I’ll write about my dislike of the “nudge him” option. When someone nudges me I imagine them poking their elbow into my ribs and my reflex is to slap them. Probably not the reaction the poor guy is looking for.)

As you know I suggest, when online dating, to go out with anyone who asks. You will never know someone well by exchanging emails and the phone is for wimps. So meet up and have a drink. If nothing else you’ve gotten out of the house and had a tasty beverage. What is bad about that?

Still there are things on a guys online dating profile that causes you to think twice. Don’t get me wrong. I’ll still meet up for a drink but I have little to no expectations that something great will happen. For example:

* “Lives with roommate” (or other versions of this like “lives with family”). If you are over 30 you don’t need a roommate unless you are still mentally a teenager.
* Horrific speller. Now I’m guilty of this BUT I’m smart enough to spell check prior to posting on my profile.
* Any use of the words “soul mate.”
* Location outside of US. I often get emails from guys in places like TX. How exactly do they see this working?
* Smokes
* Tons of baggage and bitter about it. Like this guy:
“Girls Girls Girls……If you think you found “Mr. Wonderful” on here, have the decency to at least hide your profile while dating during the 2 weeks it takes you to discover he totally fabricated his profile and now you need a restraining order… “
“Reasearch shows..65% of the bad ones have been on here for 6 mos or longer….hmmm. 15% are divorced/seperated and constantly “man” shopping. 15% stuck in the peter pan party mode. 4% just plain crazy. 1% sincere….I’m looking for that 1%….. “
“I check each day to see you girls I sent a message to, checked me out and passed on me..~~sniffle~~ I hope ya feel good about yourself now….~sniffle~ “
There are plenty more examples on his profile but you get the point.
* Doesn’t like dogs. (Who am I kidding. That is a deal breaker. To the curb with you!)

All pink flags but not red ones. Still worth a drink. Even weird desperate baggage guy. There is only one thing that will put a screeching halt on any “drink” date plans for me. The religious question. Let me be very clear if you use the words “god fearing” in your profile we will not get along. I use to have “Spiritual but not religious” as the answer to “what is your religious beliefs” questions as that seems to be the most popular answer. People saw this as code. Like I’m really really really religious but don’t want to admit it. It was annoying. So I manned up, got honest and changed it to “atheist.” After all that is the truth. So, if you consider yourself “god fearing” there will be a moment in our relationship (it could happen … I respect those who believe in God and faithfully go to church … it’s just questionable if they respect me) when you get angry at me for getting up early on Sunday to hike with Riggins while you drag yourself to church. It will cause a fight. There will be screaming and before I throw it at you, I will have grabbed the copy of the bible from my “Bible as Literature” class in college (great class) and start quoting things from it and screaming “Really? This really happened?” and making you cry. Believe me … you will cry. So to keep this horrific scene from playing out the guy who writes this:

About His Religious Background: is the best religious. is a bout to be a good man good father to your child good son for your mom and dad good brother for your brother and sister good friend for your friends believe in god respect other people be a good man for your wife

isn’t going to drinks with me.

Chunk of bio from a Chemistry match with very specific “match” requirements –

Looking for those who see quite clearly that 2 and 2 make TWENTY-TWO, never four. And those not lessened by the well-fed worm of comfort. The elegant, polite, and refined. Those who meander through life with dignity and aplomb. Those who lead a charmed life. Those who walk a crooked mile. Those whose religion is gift giving. Those who believe in real magic, and mystery. Those who find comfort in harmony. Those who treat nonsense with respect. Those with no sense of direction or navigational skill, like me. Those who live from the sea. Those who stagger. Those who whistle well. And those who have no real sense of purpose but in the chasing of that unearthly-beautiful music which they hear in dreams.

From the bio of one of today’s Chemistry matches …

“I am somewhat shy love working out.like movies and reading I also belive in punctuality.I also belive n heellppg the needy. the most important thing for me in a relationship is honesty.values are also important.i also belive romance is very important.I belive romance is thekey to any relationship.and lets not forget the most essential :communication.”

A headline from a “match” —

“hello there sexy im hopeing time will favor us and our heartg desires and the best of succus smile”

I applaud your decision NOT to use spell check. Machines will run the world one day. I’m with you my friend. Fight the power! Fight the machine! Fight on!

So, I’m all for the cut and paste option when using online dating. The more you email, the more you go out, the better chance you have at finding someone who you don’t want to punch in the face 24/7. Still, this email below that I just received, proves you need to be careful when cutting and pasting. Unless my name is Wendy Lisa … in that case PERFECTO!

“Great Prpfile

Hi Wendy!

Hey Lisa!

So, you love Dogs, Hiking and Wine Tasting? And you’re absolutely beautiful on top of that? Damned….how do I sign up for that? Ok, I did sign up for Match and it seems that you could be exactly what I’m looking for! I’d love to meet an active girl who is looking for someone to do the same with!

I do realize that I’m in San Diego and you’re in LA. I am originally from New York and moved to CA a year and a half ago and absolutely love it. I spend a ton of time socially and for work in LA, and for the right girl I don’t see LA as too far….besides SD is a great place as well!

My number is 914-xxx-xxxx…if you’d like to talk, then that, to me, is a great place to start. Or, if you’d like to meet for a drink, then I will be in LA on Thursday and could make some plans to simply meet for a drink. I promise that we’ll have a good time and it will beb relaxed!

Have a great night Lisa!”

NOW SING ALONG —

One of today’s Chemistry.com headlines that I was matched with:

“I am looking for some one that can be rigth by me not in front or behin in other words some one that can carry her own weight. “

True dat dog. I hate when people dare stand behin me. It’s just not right. NOT RIGHT!

Here is the description another match wrote about himself … when asked to give details about himself … not what he does for a living or his philosophy of life … info that would be important to know about him prior to a first date.

“A composer (Latin com+ponere, literally “one who puts together”) is a person who creates music, usually by musical notation, for interpretation and performance. The level of distinction between composers and other musicians varies, which affects issues such as copyright and the deference given to individual interpretations of a particular piece of music. In the development of European music, the function of composing music initially did not have much greater importance than that of performing it. The preservation of individual compositions did not receive enormous attention and musicians generally had no qualms about modifying compositions for performance. Over time, however, the written notation of the composer came to be treated as strict instructions from which performers should not deviate without good practical or artistic reason. Performers do, however, play the music and interpret it in a way that is all their own. In fact, in the concerto form, the soloist would often compose and perform a cadenza as a way to express their individual interpretation of the piece.

The term “composer” is often used to refer to composers of instrumental music, such as those found in classical, jazz or other forms of art and traditional music. In popular and folk music, the composer is usually called a songwriter, since the music generally takes the form of a song.”

If you read all of that then you did better than me. I’m sure he is very nice but I will never know as:
A. His profile annoys me (Which oddly enough I don’t usually hold against people as most don’t know how to write and online profiles are dumb. Seriously Shakespeare, David Mamet, Michael Crichton, Jodi Picoult, Tennessee Williams, and Judy Blume would all have lame profiles. They are impossible to write even for the most talented author.)
B. I’d get too drunk on a first date. He would obviously talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk … while I did nothing but consumed beverages and excused myself for restroom breaks (he probably wouldn’t stop talking while I was gone). Take it from me. During a recent date I forgot the sound of my own voice and spent 30 minutes staring at an empty glass mentally calculating the odds of getting a DUI on the way home vs. listening to the blah blah blah for much longer sober.
C. No picture. You know my feelings on this. PUT A FREAKIN’ PICTURE UP. FAIR IS FAIR.