Listen. I am sometimes a horrible person with horrible thoughts. This post will reveal one of these horrible things sooooooo if you are on the cusp of not liking me or thinking I’m slightly evil I suggest skipping this. Just ignore it. If you read on remember you were warned …

Awhile back while in a “serious” relationship the dude told me a story of how, on a trip across the country, he visited the Grand Canyon. Then he proudly told me stories how he jumped all over the rocky edge over breaks that lead down into the giant open hole in the earth. I was FURIOUS at him. How dare he? What the hell was wrong with him? I gave him a stern yet loving tongue lashing. Sometimes nature is so awesome it doesn’t seem real so when you do stupid ass stuff like he had done your actions don’t seem to hold any real consequences. Yet, if you go to the gift shop at said canyon there are books written on morons who died because they were playing around and couldn’t comprehend the overwhelming danger of their actions. Many of those highlighted in the book fall to their death by jumping around the rocks. Idiots. And how dare the dude I was dating put his life in danger in such a reckless manner? Did he realize he had people who loved and depended on him? Didn’t he realize I loved and depended on him? How would we go on without him and how tragic our lives would be if he stupidly died, well so stupidly? It’s the same reason I’ve always shied away from dating cops or firemen and such. I couldn’t even imagine how I would feel every time they went to work and put their life on the line. Knowing that I may never see them again and they would never come home. I’d be a wreck 24/7.

Well I’m over it. Totally over it. First of all in retrospect I realize the dude I dated was a complete moron and perhaps that little tale he told should have been a sign. Honestly my life would have had a lot less pain and suffering if one of those jumps the sand/dirt under his feet gave out a bit. (Don’t look at me like that. I gave you FULL warning that horrible things were going to be said.) Now I think I’d be not only a-okay with one of those guys who live their professional life on the edge, I’m all for it. Heck go jump in that burning building for all I care. Just don’t expect a lot of sympathy if you get burned. I may get funny glances from his pals as I shepherd our children from his grave site to the ice cream truck with a “hey I had him for awhile it was good while it lasted” attitude. I’ve lived alone for long enough I can take care of myself. It would be nice to have a companion so a time out with a nice guy until he does something stupid (heroic … whatever) in the line of duty would be a nice time out.

I have thought this for awhile but it came back to the forefront of my mind during the last weeks episode of Deadliest Catch. Any woman who has seen that show is taken back at how ridiculously girl-y our dudes are. Seriously. Wimps. The guys on the show put their life on the line … for crab. I don’t even eat crab and I’m fascinated by that. The dude use to cry like a little baby begging me to cancel the cleaning lady that came at 8AM twice a week on Sat just so he could sleep in. Deadliest Catch guys work in RIDICULOUS conditions for 12+ hours straight and “sleeping” consists of crashing where you fall most likely still in full gear. The dude had a nervous breakdown over a paper cut. I’ve seen Deadliest Catch guys pull out their own teeth (no dentist on the open seas) or poke holes into their fingernails because they are bruised and swollen. Honestly the dudes around us are sad specimens in comparison to the Deadliest Catch guys.

Now here is the kicker! Again I always thought I’d never be able to date a crab fisherman. After all how can you love someone who may die — fishing? Then I figured something out. YOU’D RARELY EVER SEE THEM. Win and win! They spend good chucks of their time on a boat miles away off the Alaskan cost. I’m not going on that boat … I’m staying in our cozy little home that that fishing boat bought. The bonus? Your guy leaving for months on end comes with the much to serious possibility of cheating. I have a deep and strong hatred for cheaters so this would be an issue. BUT WHO CAN YOU CHEAT WITH ON A BOAT OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEA? No chicks on that boat. Okay I’m sure that little town has some crab skanks (probably well named). Still the temptation is limited and if he wants to give up my loving arms for that? Well fine. I get the house. Enjoy your boat.

So someone get me Josh Harris number. That kid is adorable with the sweetest heart of gold. Each shot of his angst ridden face in last week’s episode had me in tears. I think we have a match! (No one tell me he is married. I can’t handle it when I learn my celebrity loves are married as I don’t do cheating. I still morn the loss of Joel McHale.)