I do believe I’ve already told you my suggestion on how to interact via email on a dating site. Let me remind you …

I suggest something like this:

“Wendy –
I’d love to meet you out for drinks. Are you free anytime this week?
Joe”

I DON’T suggest sending your failed stand up set from last nights open mic. AKA the e-mail I received today (warning — I could not read the entire thing. I have match.com ADD. Feel free to skim as I did. I think you will get the point):

“I just had to stop by and say hi to one of the prettiest ladies on this or any site. Now I am going out on a limb and hopefully attack your funny bone…wish me luck 😉 Enjoy sweetie and hope is scores me some HUGE points and I hear back. I am trying really hard and my fingers are KILLING me from typing so much…lol

The economy is so bad that:

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

When I ordered a burger at McDonald’s the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald’s is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned thei r children’s names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico
.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges and Exxon-Mobil laid off 5 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally, the one I love the most…

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Alright just incase that didn’t work, I am going to pull out the heavy artillery and share my rules with you that I came up with and listed below for any boy who plans on dating my 9 going on 14…lol beautiful little girl when she is old enough to date. Enjoy…

My Rules For Any Boy Who Plans On Dating My Daughter…

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. Howe ver, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “Barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “early”

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out w ith my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose dow n parka — zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten 10: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exi t the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car — there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. “

Even if a two drink min. isn’t required I’m confident I couldn’t read this e-mail top to bottom without a couple strong gin and tonics.

The headline of one of my chemistry match’s today had a headline that made me wonder if perhaps he thought we were both superheros.

I have long ago agreed to pass everyone on to the next steps no matter what but I don’t think I can do it with this guy (although he is cute and is the asst. director to the Simpsons — so he says — which makes you think he may be kidding). Here is more about who he is and what he wants in his own words:

“I’m the male version of what I’m looking for in a woman, very spiritual, out of the box thinker, awake and aware. I’m a connoisseur in the alien and extraterrestrial phenomena and I’m very interested in benevolent ET’s. I’m honest, compassionate, loyal, high moral and ethical values, fit and slender (always), vegetarian, practice reconnective healing and meditation, love my folks, they’re still married, therefore I’m not psychologically traumatized by divorced parents, it’s hard to find someone like that nowadays. I’m loving and kind, not jealous, financially independent, love cats (have two), very sexual, don’t look my age, speak my mind with integrity, respectful tours nature and others. Plus I am a drummer, goofy at times and in love with life, I’m a hopeless romantic and I AM LOVE! So yes, I look for all of that in a woman more or less.

I’m searching for my life mate, someone that completes me and I her. As an artist looks are very important to me, unless I’m looking at a drop dead gorgeous model I’m not even attracted, sort of the spiritual Victoria’s Secret type. That woman who knows I am everything she’s looking for. That special someone that somewhat can almost remember we agreed to meet and have a great life together before we came into this world. Bottom line until we interact soul to soul we’ll never know. “

To recap he is a alien loving vegetarian who meditates on loving cats and will only fall in love with a Victoria Secret model whose soul is willing to interact with him.

That is strike one, two and three all in one sentence! Nah. No way right? No one can be that big of a tool (he does have a picture of himself in Ohm position on a mountain …). I’m going with the idea that he is joking (I don’t think he is joking) and passing him on. This will end badly.

From today’s well thought out and scientific “match”. You are 42 years old and thought the best headline to introduce yourself to the online dating world included the words “Huggy Bear?”

One would hope this post is from some a**hole “screwing around”. Since Chemistry feels we will be a good fit and he counts as one of my “matches” today I’d like him grab something heavy. Tie it to himself. Walk out to the Santa Monica Pier. And jump.

A**hole.

On match.com, like other dating sites, you post pictures of yourself. I usually get annoyed at those guys who post no pictures at all but I think this may be worse. Now this guy does have picture of himself up … which is good … he is cute. Still, what in the HELL made him think it was a good idea to post a picture of some naked chick with a tramp stamp? I really can’t tell if it is a print of a painting or a photo but does it matter? It’s a naked chick with a tramp stamp. HOW IS THAT A GOOD IDEA? This is worse that those guys with no photos, or photos with ex girlfriends (blurred face or not) or the ones who are hugging strippers/professional dancers/cheerleaders/etc.

Does it really need to be said? I guess it does.

Online Dating Tip –

If you are a dude looking to make contact with a nice gal don’t put a picture of some chick’s ass on your profile.

I’m here to help.

This is a screenshot from my Chemistry.com account that shows me my “connections.” I have 254 of them. That means I have gone out to more than 254 guys saying “I’m interested to learn more about you” or in Wendy online dating language, “I’ll totally meet you for a drink”. MORE THAN 254. MORE THAN. MORE THAN 254. There isn’t a font big and bold enough to write that.

I say more than since some guys, for one reason or another, have deleted themselves from my list. I’m sure for very logical reasons. Like, I’m not Asian (happened for a fact), have short hair, have a dog (which I will give you a pass on if you are allergic or just plan ol’ lame), don’t smoke, exercise a min. of 5 days a week, live in LA, drink socially, and am not “god fearing” (read past post for the pass on this one). That’s about all they have to base this “OMG I have to delete myself from this chick’s list” on. My profile doesn’t offer you much more.

Of the 254 guys a percentage I went out with so they get a “thanks for trying” participant ribbon. Neither of us have the energy to delete from the list.

BUT a good percentage of those guys never responded. NEVER RESPONDED. EVER. WHY ARE YOU ON THE SITE? WHY? EXPLAIN TO ME WHY. (Again this demands a much bigger angrier font style.) I’ll have to assume it is because I drink socially. It is such a turn off!

Now Chemistry has a new feature. It allows you to skip all their useless “get to know each other” steps and just email someone. I think I should go to all 254 one by one and write the following:

“Dear (fill in name).

I was going through my Connection list on Chemistry and realized you haven’t responded to me in the past XXX (fill in number of days). I’d love to meet you for drinks. That is, unless you are dead.

XOXO,
Wendy”

The XOXO may be a little bit of an overkill.

(Someday I’ll write about my dislike of the “nudge him” option. When someone nudges me I imagine them poking their elbow into my ribs and my reflex is to slap them. Probably not the reaction the poor guy is looking for.)

As you know I suggest, when online dating, to go out with anyone who asks. You will never know someone well by exchanging emails and the phone is for wimps. So meet up and have a drink. If nothing else you’ve gotten out of the house and had a tasty beverage. What is bad about that?

Still there are things on a guys online dating profile that causes you to think twice. Don’t get me wrong. I’ll still meet up for a drink but I have little to no expectations that something great will happen. For example:

* “Lives with roommate” (or other versions of this like “lives with family”). If you are over 30 you don’t need a roommate unless you are still mentally a teenager.
* Horrific speller. Now I’m guilty of this BUT I’m smart enough to spell check prior to posting on my profile.
* Any use of the words “soul mate.”
* Location outside of US. I often get emails from guys in places like TX. How exactly do they see this working?
* Smokes
* Tons of baggage and bitter about it. Like this guy:
“Girls Girls Girls……If you think you found “Mr. Wonderful” on here, have the decency to at least hide your profile while dating during the 2 weeks it takes you to discover he totally fabricated his profile and now you need a restraining order… “
“Reasearch shows..65% of the bad ones have been on here for 6 mos or longer….hmmm. 15% are divorced/seperated and constantly “man” shopping. 15% stuck in the peter pan party mode. 4% just plain crazy. 1% sincere….I’m looking for that 1%….. “
“I check each day to see you girls I sent a message to, checked me out and passed on me..~~sniffle~~ I hope ya feel good about yourself now….~sniffle~ “
There are plenty more examples on his profile but you get the point.
* Doesn’t like dogs. (Who am I kidding. That is a deal breaker. To the curb with you!)

All pink flags but not red ones. Still worth a drink. Even weird desperate baggage guy. There is only one thing that will put a screeching halt on any “drink” date plans for me. The religious question. Let me be very clear if you use the words “god fearing” in your profile we will not get along. I use to have “Spiritual but not religious” as the answer to “what is your religious beliefs” questions as that seems to be the most popular answer. People saw this as code. Like I’m really really really religious but don’t want to admit it. It was annoying. So I manned up, got honest and changed it to “atheist.” After all that is the truth. So, if you consider yourself “god fearing” there will be a moment in our relationship (it could happen … I respect those who believe in God and faithfully go to church … it’s just questionable if they respect me) when you get angry at me for getting up early on Sunday to hike with Riggins while you drag yourself to church. It will cause a fight. There will be screaming and before I throw it at you, I will have grabbed the copy of the bible from my “Bible as Literature” class in college (great class) and start quoting things from it and screaming “Really? This really happened?” and making you cry. Believe me … you will cry. So to keep this horrific scene from playing out the guy who writes this:

About His Religious Background: is the best religious. is a bout to be a good man good father to your child good son for your mom and dad good brother for your brother and sister good friend for your friends believe in god respect other people be a good man for your wife

isn’t going to drinks with me.

Chunk of bio from a Chemistry match with very specific “match” requirements –

Looking for those who see quite clearly that 2 and 2 make TWENTY-TWO, never four. And those not lessened by the well-fed worm of comfort. The elegant, polite, and refined. Those who meander through life with dignity and aplomb. Those who lead a charmed life. Those who walk a crooked mile. Those whose religion is gift giving. Those who believe in real magic, and mystery. Those who find comfort in harmony. Those who treat nonsense with respect. Those with no sense of direction or navigational skill, like me. Those who live from the sea. Those who stagger. Those who whistle well. And those who have no real sense of purpose but in the chasing of that unearthly-beautiful music which they hear in dreams.

From the bio of one of today’s Chemistry matches …

“I am somewhat shy love working out.like movies and reading I also belive in punctuality.I also belive n heellppg the needy. the most important thing for me in a relationship is honesty.values are also important.i also belive romance is very important.I belive romance is thekey to any relationship.and lets not forget the most essential :communication.”

A headline from a “match” —

“hello there sexy im hopeing time will favor us and our heartg desires and the best of succus smile”

I applaud your decision NOT to use spell check. Machines will run the world one day. I’m with you my friend. Fight the power! Fight the machine! Fight on!