Good dogs (don’t pee in my house)

I’m a huge supporter of shoes.  I think I’ve told you before that I believe the barefoot running fad is bullshit.  The “our early ancestors ran barefoot so it is more natural” argument is invalid as soon as you factor in that those folks died when they were in their early twenties.  Perhaps doing everything they did isn’t the best way to live a long, healthy, and productive life.  I’m not a fan of having to take my shoes off to come into your house either.  I’ll do it if it’s “house rules” but I’m not overjoyed about it.  Usually my feet are in no position to be seen au naturel and my outfit has been specifically coordinated to some crazy high heel that makes my Bar Method legs seem inhumanly long.  What is the point of looking Amazonian if you can’t top it off with enormous high heels?  Taking those away from me, especially in a social situation, is like cutting Samson’s hair.

I also don’t like flip-flops (or thongs depending on where you grew up and what you learned to call them).  First of all they are barely even shoes.  Secondly, I can’t stand any shoe that jams something in-between my toes.  It’s horrifically uncomfortable.  Finally, I can’t walk in them.  I shuffle along like a 90-year-old man in the sauna.  I’m just incapable of giving any flip to my flip-flops.  They just drag along behind my toes.  It’s humiliating.

I like real shoes.  Shoes with high heals and closed toes.  Shoes with HUGE cork wedges.  Boots with zippers up the sides.  Sneakers that require you to wear socks.  I don’t do barefoot.  Until recently.  The past few months I’ve spent much of my time in my own house barefoot.  Something I would NEVER have done in the past.  Why?  Two things.  Really it’s one thing but the second thing is added on to make me sound less gross.

1.  I like to be barefoot when I go out back to make sure the cement isn’t too hot for the dogs.  Really this is only necessary when it is sunny — so always.  More than once I’ve had to “hot foot it” back to some shade or the house with the dogs on my heels.  If it hurts my feet it hurts theirs.  Actually they can go a little longer than me but not much.

Now lets face it … that is kinda a bs reason.  It’s a good reason.  It makes me seem like a loving caring dog person but it isn’t REALLY necessary.  It’s just cover up for the real reason …

Good dogs

2.  I can tell when a dog has peed in my house when I step in a wet spot.  Gross.  I know.  It’s gross.  BUT it is so necessary.  You gotta clean up the pee or it gets out of control FAST.  Some of these dogs are ninja pee-ers.  I can go into a room and come to a halt just by smell and scream WHO PEED??????  Sometimes though my sniffer is off and I can’t tell that something has happened.  Then I step in wet.  AAAAHHHHH!  I pause and think …. did I just get out of the shower … is there a logic reason this is wet …. nope.  I get down on all fours and smell than scream.  “GODDAMN IT.  WHICH ONE OF YOU PEED?”  It really sends me into a frenzy.  I hate it.  I grab the spray and a rag and go at it.  Spray spray spray.  Mop mop mop.  Repeat repeat repeat.  Grumbling the entire time until every dog is scared to come near me and cowering in different corners of the house.  Then, of course, I have to rinse off my pee detecting foot in the bathtub.

Luckily none of the pups I’m watching now are indoor peers.  I can safely go put shoes on.