I’ve been making my bed for years. Weekly I suck it up and strip down the dog hair covered linens and replace them with crispy clean new ones. For my entire life I’ve put pillow cases on one way. I grabbed the end with my teeth (some folks put them under their chin but I wasn’t one of them) and then forced the pillow into the sack and then violently shook it with all my might. It didn’t work well and I nearly gagged each time I did it. Still I stubbernoly continued doing that specific chore that way for years. That was until I figured there had to be a better way. A way that took less time and didn’t cause me to want to throw up. Logically I knew there was no way every maid on the planet was making beds this way. It was just too horrific. I Googled other ways to do it and although they seemed super simple I couldn’t figure it out. I used what I could from the tutorials and put together a signature move. The Wendy Lobster Shimmy. It is the best way to make naked pillows less naked! (I realize people have been probably been using this method for years but I don’t care … it’s mine). Here is what you do:
* Grab your pillow case and turn it inside out.
* Push your hands in and grab the two end corners from the inside. Making lobster claws.
* Use your lobster hands to grab two corners of your pillow
* Flip the pillow case over.
* Shimmy it down!
Ta Da! Confused. No worries I made a tutorial video for you. I look horrible in it so you are lucky I’m sharing it with you. After watching it I thought about putting on make-up and shading, getting better light, finding a better location, and locking away the dogs. All that seemed like a lot of work and I had already tried two takes so I wasn’t doing it again. Please pretend I did …
Take 1:
Didn’t teach you much did it? No worries here is take two (proof I need a professional make-up artist/team … and yes Asscher is humping me … she was excited by the entire production).
I once dated a musician. From that experience I learned never to date musicians. This isn’t an uncommon reaction. Unless you are 22ish this will likely be the conclusion you come up with if you ever date a musician. From my experience with the breed, there is a narcissistic quality that is really necessary for success. I’m sure there are exceptions to the rule … but not many. Now let’s face it. I’m not fooling anyone into thinking I’d be a good “band girlfriend” no matter what kind of personality disorder the dude may or may not have. If asked to be in charge of the email sign up list my answer would be an immediate, “no” before sipping my gin and tonic at the bar. After parties make me physically ill so I rarely attend. I don’t care how good a gig was a person can only take so much inflated ego stroking before she wants to jump off a balcony. My least favorite quality of this breed is the inability to take non-positive feedback and advice. Much like other creative folks and non-creative folks that run companies, there is a sea of “yes men” ready to kiss some serious ass. Yes men are dangerous. Yes men don’t help, and they often hurt. I am in no way a “yes man.” All this points to the fact that I’d be a HORRIBLE manager. Well I’d be a great manager but I wouldn’t have any clients.
Now … on to my point of this blog. I’m OBSESSED with Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines song (featuring T.I. and Pharrell Williams). Now before we go any further I think you need to listen to the song (click below or just turn your radio to a pop station. It’s probably playing.):
Catchy right? I love a good pop song. It reminds me of a Shaggy song and I heart Shaggy. His tunes are still regulars to my iTune mixes. With any good pop song you really can’t dig into the lyrics too much or you will lose respect for the song. I’m good with, “… you wanna hug me? … what rhymes with hug me? …” because that just makes me giggle every time. I’m just not hip to the lack of female respect lines like, “… I’ll give you something to tear your ass in two …” WHAT? OUCH? THAT DOESN’T SOUND LIKE FUN AT ALL!!!! STAY AWAY FROM MY ASS T.I.!!!!
Now my favorite part and most confusing part of this entire obsession is my inability to get over the video. Have you seen the video? Oooohhhh you are in for a treat. There are two versions but here is the one that is a zinger (NSFW):
Here is how this video pitch would have gone if I was in charge:
Me: Where’s Robin.
Yes Man: Mr. Thicke is in the other room. You will be talking through me.
Me: Great! Can’t wait! It seems we have pitched a dozen or so ideas for the video to Robin and he has shot down all of them. I wanted to meet face-to-face (sigh) to get his feedback so we can move on with a successful collaboration.
Yes Man: Mr. Thicke wants to be sexy. He wants to trend. He wants to be hot.
Me: Of course he does. I tell you what. Why don’t we just have him prance around the room with naked chicks.
Yes Man: Let me bring that idea to Mr. Thicke (leaves the room).
Me: (To the others in the room) He knew I was kidding right?
Yes Man: (returns) Mr. Thicke loves that idea. He feels like you are finally getting him. His only problem is he wants to “trend.”
Me: Does he know what that means?
Yes Man: He knows he wants it.
Me: So no. He has no idea what that means. Fuck it …. we will just put #THICKE in big fat ass red letters over the entire fucking video.
Yes Man: Let me take that to Mr. Thicke (leaves the room.)
Me: Is it too early for a cocktail?
Yes Man: (returning) Mr. Thicke says, “right on.”
Me: Great! Let’s get this masterpiece of art made! (sigh)
I read an article where Robin Thicke said his wife made him do the video with naked chicks. This is how I feel that conversation went:
Mr. Thicke: I’m doing a video with naked models hanging all over me.
Ms. Thicke: Great. Now you can’t question why the pool boy comes by everyday instead of once a week.
There is a non naked version of the video for those uncultured folks at MTV and YouTube, but it isn’t nearly as fascinating. Don’t get me wrong … that guy can prance. He is king prancer! Puts Adam Levine in his Moves Like Jagger video to shame.
Here is the part I have a hard time admitting to myself … he’s hot … I like him … despite everything I just typed … I need help. Admitting it is the first step.
Me Myself & Riggins 