Over the past few days I’ve come to accept something you may have already known. I’m a speciest. That’s like a racist or sexist but for species. Specifically I like dogs WAY better than people and hold them to much different standards. It’s kinda like when one of your “friends” posts something on Facebook and you think, “OMG what a looser … so annoying.” Then another friend posts something similar a few minutes later and you happily give it a “thumbs up” simply because of who they are. Let me give you a few dog vs. human examples:
Jax, like many dogs I watch, follows me around the house. If I move, he moves. I love it. I feel like Snow White being helped by her adoring animal friends. If a guy I was dating did that I’d last about 10 minutes before doing a pivot turn meeting him nose to nose and scream “stop being so clingy you freak!”
Riggins has very specific sleeping rules. He tends to fall asleep by himself and then wanting to come up and be with me on my bed in the early morning hours. Instead of just coming on up and helping himself to a pillow he stands by my bed puts his head and chin on the mattress and cries until I wake up. I then must get out of bed for him to be able to jump up and decide on his placement before I get to lie back down again. I do this all with nothing but love in my heart for him. I once wanted to punch my boyfriend in the face because he would set the alarm and then hit snooze about 5 times before getting up … all before I had to rise and shine.
I was driving home from a hike a few weeks ago and saw a man masturbating on someone’s front lawn. A very nice front lawn to a very expensive house. I was in awe. How could that be happening? A human couldn’t possibly be so disgusting. Yet there he was, humping the ground. I was horrified. The other day I wanted to take Asscher’s picture when she got that look at her eye and I couldn’t stop her from jumping up on me and humping away at my leg. I just giggled and pushed her off with an, “Oh Asscher … you are so silly.”
Asscher sometimes doesn’t want to hike. Just yesterday we were heading off just a few feet from the trail head and she stopped. She wasn’t moving. “Okay,” I said gleefully, “we will go to the dog park. Crazy dog! I love you!” If I went hiking with my nephew and he stopped hiking and sat down pouting he’d get a stern talking to and be dragged the rest of the way until he shaped up.
One night my neighbors little dog was howling and howling. I felt so bad for the poor little thing. Obviously his owner was being horrible neglective of his needs. I didn’t even think to get angry at the dog. It was all the owners fault … without a doubt. (This love for animals didn’t include the rooster this same neighbor once owned. Every morning, multiple times each morning, I’d threaten to kill it and eat that obnoxious bird for breakfast.)
When Lousy wants to crawl up on my lap while I’m typing or Dragon wants to chill out under my desk I’m happy to let them. If a child did that I’d suggest they were being creepy and tell them to go outside and play like normal children.
Kona loved to give me kisses and will happily lick me all over. If you came over and did that too me I’d slap you and immediately take a Silkwood shower to wash off your crazy.
When I’m eating Riggins will sit next to me and take bites off my fork that I happily hold for him (since he has no hands). I would NEVER feed you off my folk. First of all that’s weird and secondly I don’t want your spit on my folk.
So you see. The obvious conclusion is I dislike humans as a species. At least when compared to dogs. (Not all humans of course there are a few exceptions to the rule. A very few exceptions.)
DOGS RULE …. HUMANS DROOL (well dogs do too but when they do it it’s super cute)