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I’m about to say something that won’t go over well with most people and certainly most people I know and call my friends … ready for it … hold on to your hats … I truly hate the plastic bag ban.  It just really chaps my hide.  I know plastic bags are bad for the environment.  I’ve biked the Los Angeles River and seen first hand the discarded ripped bags hanging from the branches of the river shrubs like discarded and shamed confederate flags.  I get it.  Mother Earth and I are tight … I understand that the enormous amount of plastic bag waste is a huge issue that needs to be dealt with.  I just don’t have to like it.

Adorable poop makers.

Adorable poop makers.

I’ve been bringing my own bags to the grocery store for years.  I don’t have an issue with that at all.  I have a dozen or so reusable bags stuffed in the back of my car and when I head to Vons (no longer Ralphs as we know they suck) I whip them out and smugly walk into the store knowing I’m as green as it gets.  Then what exactly are my issues with this increasingly popular law?  Let me explain:

* Sometimes I’m running in for just a few things and I forget my bag.  It happens.  Not often, but it happens.  Then I have to decide if I want to precariously carry everything I purchased out to the car to dump in one of my bags or pay 10 cents to get everything thrown in a brown bag.

* When I traveled for work I NEVER brought reusable shopping bags with me.  Come on … on top of everything else you want me to remember that.  Screw that.  I was already stressed I didn’t need to know if I wanted to purchase groceries I had to bring my own carrying device too.  I remember an incident at a Trader Joe’s in San Jose that almost had me on my knees.  My bad day ended in me having to carry my groceries (heavy on the wine bottles) back to my car as I tried to remember where I put my bottle of Xanax.

* I ALWAYS forget if it isn’t a grocery store.  I don’t really know what the law is and it is probably different for each city, county, state, etc.  For the area I tend to shop in if you have x many stores (I forget how many) you are a “chain” and therefore the bag ban applies to you.  This includes Petco, World Market, Michaels, Target, and many others.  Do you know how many times I’ve gotten to the front door of Michaels only to have to turn around and walk back down (I park downstairs at that store) and grab bags before coming back up.  So aggravating.

* I’m amazed how little now fits into a reusable bag.  Those bag stuffers (whatever their actual title is …  I shouldn’t make fun of them I will probably have to get a job doing that soon) use to pack EVERYTHING into one or two of my canvas bags.  Now it’s one or two items per bag.  Recently on a trip to Vons the bag stuffer person was really terrible at her job and every two seconds asked if I wanted to buy more bags.  “No!  Everything will fit.”  She “tried” again and gave me a “what do you want me to do?” shrug.  I ended up having to bag everything myself in my own bags which I think suited her just fine!

Now looking at that list I realize how horrible I sound.  I don’t want the plastic bag ban because it is an annoyance to me.  Plain and simple.  Selfish me doesn’t want to be put out.  True.  But here is the killer reason …

More adorable poop makers.

More adorable poop makers.

* What do I do with all the poo in my back yard?  As you can imagine with all the little four-legged poo makers running around my backyard it is full up with the stuff.  Every other day, or so, I grab two plastic bags and head to the back yard ready for war.  One bag is used to cover my hand while I scoop and the second is used to hold the pounds of poo.  It’s a good system but plastic bags are a huge component of the system.  Right now you are thinking of a number of solutions for me, buy my own bags, buy a pooper scooper thing, use doggie bags …. stop.  Just stop.  I don’t want any of those solutions.  I want my free plastic bags that I can fit a ton of crap in (literally) and the earth can just screw off.

Can’t we compromise in some way.  Why do I have to pay for paper bags?  Why can’t you just give me those?  Or give me those unless I bring my own then give me 5 cents off per bag.  Something like that.  No?  Really?  You sure you wanna piss off the gal with unlimited amount of ingredients for flaming poop bags?

I didn’t think so.