From one of today’s Chemistry matches:

• About His Religious Background: hello i am Daniel by name and i am easy going and generous and kind person i like to make every body around me to happy i wish i can express my self more than this hope to see my type very soon?

• In his own words: in the future I wish to have an amicable and strong family. In mine
  Lives were the woman and our relations lasted almost 3 years. It was frivolous to me and ours
  Relations are finished. Now I in search. I wish to meet sincere, kind, serious
  The woman. I search for the woman whom could grow fond. I could be very gentle with it. To me
  Very much it would be desirable to have children. I hope, my dreams of a happy family become a reality. I
  I will be fair with you. I do not wish to spend time in vain for any games or chatter.

His profile also says he is an engineer. HOW? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? How did the same person who wrote this go to school, get a degree, and then get a job? HOW?

It also says he is widowed so I’m going to go ahead and make the leap and assume he is a killer.

Some people are dipshits. There isn’t a word in the English language that is better suited for them … DIPSHITS. For example the a**holes that sat around and decided to put together the profile above and send me a wink. The only thing truthful about this profile is that the person(s) live in Santa Monica. There is a large concentration of dipshits in Santa Monica. This isn’t an opinion. It’s a fact. Ask anyone. Dipshits.

I emailed them back (I assume it is a gaggle of dipshits who did this not one lone dipshit) and asked how they could possible have so much time to waste on their hands. Then I blocked them and turned them into Match.com for being dipshits. So I guess I’ll never know the answer to my question.

From one of today’s Chemistry “matches”:

“Well i can say is I’m good looking ,sincere,hardworking,easy going,love life,love people,caring,loves nature ..not a drinker or a socialite but i do it moderately cos being responsible is my watch word..i never smoke dont think i will ever do it.i love my family ..loves to travel and i thank God for my job cos it involves lot of traveling ..have never been married but i hope i find the right and special woman for me who will compliment me in all ways.

she must be decent,responsible,dont care if she is fat,short,or tall as long as she is good looking and knows her onions ..she ,must be caring,romantic,hard working but dont mind if she haven’t got a job..she must be friendly and accommodating,honest …i know she doesn’t have to be perfect Lol cos im not…..”

I don’t even know what that means so I guess I don’t know my onions. Sorry dude.

After laughing and laughing at this dude I looked up “know your onions” AND IT IS A REAL PHRASE — http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/know-your-onions.html. Who knew? I kinda feel bad. But not much. Sorry guy. I take back the mocking tone on that part of your writing … the rest on the other hand …

I’m pretty sure this gentleman Chemistry.com wants me to date is a killer. What do you think? Looking for me … joined souls … live our lives free … AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH. Delete.

Headline from one of Today’s Chemistry “matches”:

“hello i am very senstitive man and fanny honest caring and romantic latino for you so dont be scare you can contact me.”

Did he really say “fanny”? Yes. He did. He said it again in his “In His Own Words” section:

“hello well i can say to much about myself but you can ask me and i will tell you what you want to know i am here just to try on this site just let me know what you want to know.i am fanny guy and i like the movies, dancing, dinning and am ready for what you want. “

Despite his reassurances, I’m scare.

On online dating you have to understand that men don’t have good pictures of themselves. They just don’t. I forwarded a match to a friend today and when she said he scared her I reminded her of this fact. I told her my standards of pictures for online dating with guys is really low. As long as they:
* Aren’t obvious gang members.
* Are fully clothed
* Have pictures that don’t involve 1/2 naked strippers, dancers, Hooters waitress’
Their pictures pass!

There is a reason why I have these rules. You should see some of these pictures. I’m convinced many of these guys don’t actually own shirts and most of them really really really should. Remember the guy with the picture of a naked chick in his hallway and that is what his main photo was — a picture of that picture in his hallway. AT LEAST once a day I see a picture that is EXTREMELY questionable.

Can you explain then WHY Chemistry.com felt it was necessary to NOT allow me to post the picture above. It’s from my visit to Martha’s art studio in Philly. It is art AND reflects who I am. I’m sure certain folks, like my mom, will be happy this photo wasn’t accepted. BUT I’m cute in it! I need a cute semi-updated photo and I’ve had a case of the photo uglies lately which means I have limited choices.

Maybe if I was shirtless it would be acceptable.

My friend Lisa and her adorable puppers (AKA Riggins girlfriend) are, like me, lookin’ for a man. She, like me, has a blog dedicated to her search (well mine isn’t totally dedicated to “dating” but it seems to have that general focus 75% of the time).

Now a handful of months back I read on Lisa’s Facebook page that she was getting married. I was so happy for her! Then I read further and thought she had taken a one way train ride into crazy town. Lisa has booked a wedding venue to coordinate with the anniversary of her grandparents and has now enlisted … well everyone … to help her find her groom. AND let me tell you I take back the crazy train ride thing because this gal is workin’ it. She has brilliantly managed to find men who will actually DATE her vs. just swap emails/texts/etc. Every time I go to her site she had done something super fun on a date. I can’t get a guy to stop emailing and meet for drinks and she is having guys taste wedding cakes with her (I take that back. I could have gone on that killer yacht trip if I really wanted to). I’m telling you she is some sort of dating superstar!

If you would like to read a more positive (I’m not saying that I’m not positive … wait … who am I kidding … if you are reading this then you’ve read my blog and I can’t pull one over on you!) response to mid-30’s ish dating then head on over to Lisa’s blog for some fun!

http://weblogs.cw33.com/news/local/projecthusband/

Another well thought out match from Chemsitry.com today:

In his own words – “that she is onesta, sincera and very romantic,and very lovely and that ne respects S A . something that it does not like of that it says it to me.to see as to solve to the problem, and I plow the same,because I am and plow the same and very pasive hatred the violence.”

I can’t even think of what he means to say when he says “plow.” I have to assume he means plow.

Chemistry.com isn’t like some dating sites. You don’t get to thumb through the entire database looking for models (or liars that post old pictures of themselves) instead they give you matches. You then say if you are interested or not and that person is alerted. As we know I rarely hear back from these “gentlemen”. Recently though I did. Woo hooo! Now you can choose the stupid steps Chemistry gives you of back and forth silly questions and games or you can just send an email. He sent me “5 questions” (5 dumb cookie cutter questions someone at Chemistry.com got paid to think up). I played along, answered his questions and got his answers. Then I was done playing the reindeer games and sent him an email. He ignored that email and sent me the “love it or leave it” (more on that in a sec.). Obviously he likes the games and email scares him. In love it or leave it the person is given 6 computer randomly chosen pictures and you say if you love it or leave it. Then you compare the answers with the other person to see if you should fall madly in love or not. Sigh.

Above is our “comparison”. I’m not sure what this means as I didn’t get a guide into reading silly Chemistry game answers. Obviously we can’t fall madly in love as we didn’t get all 5 matched. Bummer. I’d like to point out I struggled with a few of these as I live in the grey. Not so much black and white. Hot Weather for example. It’s okay to a point but I can’t do extreme heat for long or I’ll either dehydrate and die or become a sweaty ball of ewe (like the Wicked Witch). And “Scented Candles” .. what scent? I can do pumpkin and have numerous ones in the house. I like some scented candles which anyone who has been to my house will know but ‘SCENTED’ = ‘SMELLY’ to me and I don’t want someone showing up to a date with a rose/violet smash scent of allergy sneezing fumes candle coming at me.

See … this game is dumb.

That rarely happens but you tell me what you would say if Chemistry.com matched you up with the following dreamboat:

Headline – DATING IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT OF LIFE BECAUSE WITHOUT IT WE WILL NOT HAVE EXIST

In His Own Words – I AM A YOUNG MAN WHO IS SEPSRATED AND LOKING FOR A NEW PREFERABLE WHITE LADY WHO POLYGAMY MARRIGE IS NOT A PROBLEM TO HER AND IS READY FOR NEW WAY OF LIFE .FOR ME MARRIAGE DOES NOT MEAN STAYING TOGETHER IN ONE SHELTER BUT IS MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN TO ESTABLISHED THEIR FAMILLY THT IS TO LOVE EACH OTHER ,DELIVERED CHILDREEN AND GIVE THEM GOOD EDUCATIONAL BACKGROUND

Profession – ISALES MANAGER AND CHARGE OF MARKETING OF OUR COMPANY PRODUC

Religious Background – FOR ME GOD HAS CREATED US WITH A PURPOSE AND THE PURPOSE IS TO WORSHIP HIM ALONE WITHOUT ASSOCIATING HIM WITH ANY OTHER CREATURE BECAUSE HE IS UNIQUE NO OTHER CREATURE IS LIKE HIM HE HAS NO FATHER NO MOTHER NO SON AND NO DOUGHTER ALL BELONG TO HIM

Movie he has recently enjoyed – I ENJOY THE GLADIATOR BECAUSE HE IS A MAN WHO HAVE WHAT WE CALL HEART

Speechless right? Told you.