There is nothing wrong with this guy Chemistry.com feels I should date. Nothing that will stop me from hitting the “i’m interested” button, so that’s what I’ll do. Nothing short of the fact that his name is Goose and he apparently only gets his picture taken while he is on the golf course.

In his own words:
“Hi and thanks for visiting my Profile. My name is Goose and live in Los Angeles, California. I’m an Irish American, and currently an Investment Banker for a major International Investment Banking firm, in the Century City Regional office, I was born and raised in Chicago, Illinois, and received my B.S. Degree from Bradely University. I received my Masters Degree in Economics from the University of Southern California, in Los Angeles.

I have many interests, with golfing my favorite having a single digit handicap, along with traveling, working out and swimming. I have traveled all over Asia and Europe. I’m affable, intelligent, kind, humorous, generous, outgoing, affectionate, and just a fun and decent man.

I’m seeking a partner to share my life with me. If you have any interest in becoming acquainted as friends first, please contact me. Thanks and take good care. “

GOOSE.

GOOSE?

GOOSE!

I simply do not believe that his parents gave him that name. There has to be some sort of Top Gun story behind that right? Something that happened in college and then he thought was cool so stuck with it? Why Goose? Why not Iceman or Maverick? I mean Goose was charming and was with the adorable Meg Ryan but doesn’t he die? Who chooses his nickname as the dead guy?

I’m going to stop what I’m doing right now and email my friend who is due in 3 weeks and suggest Goose as the baby’s name. Just to hear her response.

GOOSE?!?

And I’m not kidding about sending him on to the next level. He can spell and has a grasp of the English language. Goose or no Goose he’s a catch.

From one of the guys chemistry.com feels I should date:

In his own words – “im a open minded fun man love to go to the beach walks or abike ride looking for ? im open im willing to try new thangs looking to find a life parttner to build a nice life with looking forward to it .”

His occupation – “ kustom car builder”

I’m sure this guy that Chemistry.com feels I will be a good match with doesn’t mean to be creepy when he explains himself like this. But he is. He’s creepy.

“Am looking for a woman who is willing to love me with all her heart soul and body…one who doesnt lie or will treat me badly..if u fit this..then we can start out with dinner,movie or ball game or shopping..but once we fine chemistry there is no turning back..can u handle me…my hearts on fire..need someone who can take away….We can began after I get back from Ghana.”

See these two guys? They have the same exact profile. Same odd headline. Same description of themselves including the following statements:

“I am a very sensual person, who loves to touch and be touched. “

“I have a passionate core and would appreciate a woman with the same. “

“I am open to living within any culture around the world as long as they respect men and their value to society”

The big difference? One guy you wouldn’t mind being touched by and the other would only touch you to kill you. I realize that I broke my rule of never posting a guys picture on my blog since they didn’t sign up for that. BUT this guy(s) is obviously hiding something, or someone, or has the magic power to morph into two different people.

From one of today’s Chemistry.com matches whose profile proudly says he is a 36 year old male living in Santa Monica.

“I’m kind, compassionate and loving, yet I’m a “total Dude” who loves sports, working as a sculptor and volunteering for The Make A Wish foundation. I’m 46 not 36, I lowered my age so I wouldn’t show up in too many searches, Not ashamed of my age, because age is just a number to me, it all depends on the person and their life’s experiences. “

OOOOkay. That’s the story we are going with huh? Okkkkkkaaaaay buddy. So you are telling me you think there is a HUGE rush of people searching out 46 year olds? Sooooo much more demand, in general, for 46 year olds than 36? Has nothing to do with you being misleading or you not wanting to date women your own age.

I’m cool with that logic. I’ll happily start telling people I’m 26.

PS. You are an asshat.

Chemistry has AGAIN matched me up with this ass – (click here for previous blog). ARE YOU KIDDING ME. ARE …. YOU … KIDDING … ME…..????!!!

The only difference is that this time he has a picture up (well he has two pictures up BUT IT IS THE SAME PICTURE BECAUSE HE IS AN IDIOT) so now I know what he looks like. He looks like Jimmie Walker from Good Times. BUT without the Good Times. In fact he is very very somber and will most likely kill a number of his wives, if he hasn’t already.

That’s the last straw. Chemistry.com is getting a strongly worded letter from me on this!

Someone Chemistry.com feels I would like to date:

Hi my name is Richard my hobbies are family,fishing,movies,dinning out,walks,outdoors.Im getting straight to the point im also send me ur email adresses loyal,passionate,trusting,commitment,no head games,no drama,hate cheaters,liers,want to be loved and love,morels,life partner,sensual,a freak in bed,honesty,loyality,God fearing,and open mind about different things,compassionate,loving,beautiful women or a cute women i tend to like the very cute ones,respect,walks and talks,laugh and likes to do so i love humor,understanding,like public public affection,holding hands,passion,NO DRAMA PLEASE, and thats about what im looking or in a WOMEN and LADY that also as here head together ,and it is (email address removed to protect the innocent and stupid) if im this way i except my women to be the same.I want a sexy,foxy very cute women,ill be your protector,best friends,know what she is doing in bed (a must)a clean women,a women that has the same qualities i have and more.Please no head games or drama if that is you don’t contact me,a women that likes the simple things in life and the complex things as well,she must stand by my side and love life because its to short.So if this is you please contact me and live in the Canoga Park ,California “

I’m going out of a limb here and thinking this “cute one” must also love poor grammar and a lack of periods and capital letters.

Oh Chemistry your failure today is mind blowing.

His headline – I need someone who will love me noting but love .

In his own words – Love can be everything. My love is true. Love is unpredictable. Love is uncontainable. Love is reliable. Love is infallible. Love is right . Love is wrong. Love is weak. Love is strong. Love is good. Love is pure. Love is real. Love is sure. Love is jealous. Love is pain. Love is lost Love is gained Love is naked Love is raw Love is everything Love is all Love is here Love is there Love is beautiful Love is fair Love is great. Love is shit. Love is hate, Love is demanding. Love is it….Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, While loving someone deeply gives you courage. ? ? ?

Why is that a question? There are most definitely a number of run on sentences in there but I don’t see any questions. Certainly not one that justifies three question marks.

I actually almost passed this guy on to my “I’m interested” list even though his profile is SCREAMING of red flags. That is until I read this:

• About His Religious Background: Am a good christian having fear of God in my life, i dont joke with church and regular even when am sick.

That is the red flag that pushed me over the edge. No need to continue. It won’t work. Chemistry.com once again you failed.

Chemistry.com feels I should date this guy:

“MY NAME IS GABRIAL IM LOOKING FOR A FEMALE WHO I CAN KICK BACK RELAX CHILL OUT RELAX HAVE FUN GO OUT WITH SPEND TIME WITH PARTY HAVE A GREAT TIME GO TO A MOVIE RELAX AT HOME WORK GET TO KNOW THAT SPECIAL PERSON.AND I DON’T WANT NO GAMES I WANT SOME ONE WHO IS HONEST ABOUT THEM SELVES AND ARE WILLING TO TAKE RISKES AND LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST “

I don’t feel like my Type A personality will fit well with Mr. Relax. Sorry Chemistry.com. Once again you fail.