Listen. I am sometimes a horrible person with horrible thoughts. This post will reveal one of these horrible things sooooooo if you are on the cusp of not liking me or thinking I’m slightly evil I suggest skipping this. Just ignore it. If you read on remember you were warned …

Awhile back while in a “serious” relationship the dude told me a story of how, on a trip across the country, he visited the Grand Canyon. Then he proudly told me stories how he jumped all over the rocky edge over breaks that lead down into the giant open hole in the earth. I was FURIOUS at him. How dare he? What the hell was wrong with him? I gave him a stern yet loving tongue lashing. Sometimes nature is so awesome it doesn’t seem real so when you do stupid ass stuff like he had done your actions don’t seem to hold any real consequences. Yet, if you go to the gift shop at said canyon there are books written on morons who died because they were playing around and couldn’t comprehend the overwhelming danger of their actions. Many of those highlighted in the book fall to their death by jumping around the rocks. Idiots. And how dare the dude I was dating put his life in danger in such a reckless manner? Did he realize he had people who loved and depended on him? Didn’t he realize I loved and depended on him? How would we go on without him and how tragic our lives would be if he stupidly died, well so stupidly? It’s the same reason I’ve always shied away from dating cops or firemen and such. I couldn’t even imagine how I would feel every time they went to work and put their life on the line. Knowing that I may never see them again and they would never come home. I’d be a wreck 24/7.

Well I’m over it. Totally over it. First of all in retrospect I realize the dude I dated was a complete moron and perhaps that little tale he told should have been a sign. Honestly my life would have had a lot less pain and suffering if one of those jumps the sand/dirt under his feet gave out a bit. (Don’t look at me like that. I gave you FULL warning that horrible things were going to be said.) Now I think I’d be not only a-okay with one of those guys who live their professional life on the edge, I’m all for it. Heck go jump in that burning building for all I care. Just don’t expect a lot of sympathy if you get burned. I may get funny glances from his pals as I shepherd our children from his grave site to the ice cream truck with a “hey I had him for awhile it was good while it lasted” attitude. I’ve lived alone for long enough I can take care of myself. It would be nice to have a companion so a time out with a nice guy until he does something stupid (heroic … whatever) in the line of duty would be a nice time out.

I have thought this for awhile but it came back to the forefront of my mind during the last weeks episode of Deadliest Catch. Any woman who has seen that show is taken back at how ridiculously girl-y our dudes are. Seriously. Wimps. The guys on the show put their life on the line … for crab. I don’t even eat crab and I’m fascinated by that. The dude use to cry like a little baby begging me to cancel the cleaning lady that came at 8AM twice a week on Sat just so he could sleep in. Deadliest Catch guys work in RIDICULOUS conditions for 12+ hours straight and “sleeping” consists of crashing where you fall most likely still in full gear. The dude had a nervous breakdown over a paper cut. I’ve seen Deadliest Catch guys pull out their own teeth (no dentist on the open seas) or poke holes into their fingernails because they are bruised and swollen. Honestly the dudes around us are sad specimens in comparison to the Deadliest Catch guys.

Now here is the kicker! Again I always thought I’d never be able to date a crab fisherman. After all how can you love someone who may die — fishing? Then I figured something out. YOU’D RARELY EVER SEE THEM. Win and win! They spend good chucks of their time on a boat miles away off the Alaskan cost. I’m not going on that boat … I’m staying in our cozy little home that that fishing boat bought. The bonus? Your guy leaving for months on end comes with the much to serious possibility of cheating. I have a deep and strong hatred for cheaters so this would be an issue. BUT WHO CAN YOU CHEAT WITH ON A BOAT OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEA? No chicks on that boat. Okay I’m sure that little town has some crab skanks (probably well named). Still the temptation is limited and if he wants to give up my loving arms for that? Well fine. I get the house. Enjoy your boat.

So someone get me Josh Harris number. That kid is adorable with the sweetest heart of gold. Each shot of his angst ridden face in last week’s episode had me in tears. I think we have a match! (No one tell me he is married. I can’t handle it when I learn my celebrity loves are married as I don’t do cheating. I still morn the loss of Joel McHale.)

First of all read the post below prior to diving into this one.

Now here is what the model says about his religious beliefs:

“my religious is good it ok by me, we do help the orphan the widow and so other peoples God use to takes control in our religious, so every thing about religious is quit all ok, so glory be God,”

There are certain online dating rules. You don’t have to follow them but if you end of dead don’t come crying to me. I’ve had problems just giving out my phone number prior to meeting on a first date (I won’t do it anymore. I know that seems extreme but you try and manage the nonstop “hey what’s up?” texts after midnight on the weekends when morons get drunk and start randomly texting people they have numbers for.) and you aren’t going to know where I live until after the second date at a minimum (A rule I’m now rethinking to “never” knowing where I live …. I’ll always meet you somewhere vs have you pick me up. I’m trying to be really nice to a poor soul who I stopped seeing back in Dec and yet continually texts and wants to call to try and get back together. It’s over dude. Move on. BUT he knows where I live and I don’t want to come home to Riggins painted with the words “bitch” on him. It’s mean and not accurate as he is a male dog. HA HA HA HA … THAT CRACKED ME UP! I’M SOOOOOOOO FUNNY.)

Now as you age you should be even more aware of these rules and the fact that others will want to follow them. Which makes this email I received on Friday from a 53 year old owner of a couple bagel stores even worse:

Are you spontaneous and game for a great time?

Lying about yourself on a dating website doesn’t happen as much as you would think. After all what is the point? When you meet the person the gig is up. Still every once in awhile someone pops up that is obviously not being honest with himself. One of today’s Chemistry.com matches for example.

His profile info:

From one of today’s “match’s”:

“I am a humble attractive man looking for the woman of my dreams. I am kind, good natured, and a hard worker…. I am Athletic and enjoy all outdoor activities. I am confident, determined, patient, a go getter and goal oriented. I am like a fine wine, good to the last drop.”

It’s in the dictionary between humanoid and humbug.

Notice something odd about some of today’s Match.com suggestions? Location, location, location. Apparently I’m supposed to be in a different state if I want to find a “soul mate” (I only used those words to piss off Martha). Bummer summer.

Although I do adore Marshall from In Plain Sight. Can Match.com guarantee that these guys are as adorable, cute, witty, funny, intelligent, and employed as this fake TV character (the show takes place in Albuquerque in case you have never seen it and can’t follow my logic)? If so then I’M IN! Pack our bags Riggins we are heading East!

Wait a second …. it snows in Albuquerque NM. I know this because my loyal family took a trip down to Santa Fe (through Albuquerque) to visit my soon to be college, The College of Santa Fe. Well soon to be until I froze my butt off and did an about face back to sunny California and well temperatured Whittier College.

Fool me once New Mexico …. Fool me once!

I’m not the healthiest eater on the planet. I’m not the unhealthiest either but definitely not the healthiest. Lately I’ve been having chest pains again (which I think is due to too much caffeine) and get foot cramps when pointing my toes for an hour at Bar Method. I’ve decided, after minimal online research — which is how I diagnose all my health concerns, that the cramping issue is due to low potassium. Potassium is an electrolyte (I think) which gets sucked from your body when you sweat. Now technically I don’t exercise enough to loose too many electrolytes but I consider myself gifted when it comes to sweating. It’s kinda gross. Since I sweat like a big ol’ fat man in the middle of the desert, and tend to exercise more than the average American (this weekend was Runyon twice and 5K which lead to really angry calve muscles at bar method last night) I’m going with the potassium thing. Eating better should help the problems I’ve been having.

I started to follow a couple blogs of women who are CRAZY healthy eaters. (neverhome)maker http://www.neverhomemaker.com/ and Oh She Glows http://ohsheglows.com/. Frankly both of them cheese me off a bit as they are adorable healthy young women/wives who happily live healthy existences. The least I can do is eat a little like them. And I do mean a little.

Adorable pixie like (neverhome)maker lady made what I called Hummus Pizza (http://www.neverhomemaker.com/2010/05/hummus-melts.html) so I gave it a whirl. They were good. Very good. But all I could think of is how much better they would be if they were real pizza vs. hummus. So I made real pizza last night (see picture)! It’s still using the whole wheat muffins and I did have veggies on the side so I feel like it was still healthy-ish. Not as healthy as the pixie’s version but still.

Oh She Glows fairy like lady lead me to this recipe for Banana “Ice Cream” http://www.choosingraw.com/this-post-will-change-your-life/. Now I don’t particularly like bananas so this seemed like a genius way to get the potassium I think I need. Last night I tried this and was AMAZED that it worked. Of course the soft serve texture and look couldn’t take away the banana taste so next time I make it I plan to “Wendy it up” (aka make it less healthy) with some Nesquik, vanilla, or anything else I can throw in there to mask the banana taste! Here are my tips if you make this (learn from my mistakes):
* Don’t just throw bananas in the freezer. When bananas freeze they are impossible to peel and CRAZY cold. Do the prep work before freezing!
* Don’t hit that pulse button too long. I was in awe that it was working and over pulsed. If you dot his you are just making baby food. Blah! I think it would be yummier with little chunks of frozen banana hanging out in it.
* This looks like, has the texture of, and is cold like soft serve ice cream. It’s not ice cream it’s bananas so if you don’t like bananas you aren’t going to like this!

Enjoy my healthy-ish eating tips!

E-mail I received last night from a member of match.com. For the moron’s safety I won’t reveal his match name but it does include the word “inmate” which already screams classy.

“I LOVE dogs too, they are yummy, really good with ginger and soy sauce! Sorry, bad joke, not all Chinese eat dogs, I actually prefer veggies. Not all Chinese good at math too, I got a F+ in math in high school and I was happy I got a +. So what are you up to this memorial day weekend?”

Sounds like a catch right? I mean he did get that + on his failing math grade in high school. What more does a gal want?

Chemistry.com tells it’s customers that it has a “formula” to match you and your perfect love. When signing up for the site you answer a number of questions. Now we know my attention span for this kind of thing isn’t great which may be why I clicked “Enjoys watching sports”. Even with my lack of attention to the questionnaire I expect the proven formula to be something more than “picking names out of a hat”. Which, based on experience, seems to be what they do.

As an example 1 of my “matches” today (I only had 2 so 50% of my matches) showed that we had “0” common interests. ZERO. How exactly did we get matched up? And really how does this guy get matched up with anyone? Above is a picture of my common interests with a past match. So if ZERO guy doesn’t like to dance, camp, go out to dinner, drink wine, play cards, go to movies or watch sports …. what exactly does he like to do?