So, I’m all for the cut and paste option when using online dating. The more you email, the more you go out, the better chance you have at finding someone who you don’t want to punch in the face 24/7. Still, this email below that I just received, proves you need to be careful when cutting and pasting. Unless my name is Wendy Lisa … in that case PERFECTO!

“Great Prpfile

Hi Wendy!

Hey Lisa!

So, you love Dogs, Hiking and Wine Tasting? And you’re absolutely beautiful on top of that? Damned….how do I sign up for that? Ok, I did sign up for Match and it seems that you could be exactly what I’m looking for! I’d love to meet an active girl who is looking for someone to do the same with!

I do realize that I’m in San Diego and you’re in LA. I am originally from New York and moved to CA a year and a half ago and absolutely love it. I spend a ton of time socially and for work in LA, and for the right girl I don’t see LA as too far….besides SD is a great place as well!

My number is 914-xxx-xxxx…if you’d like to talk, then that, to me, is a great place to start. Or, if you’d like to meet for a drink, then I will be in LA on Thursday and could make some plans to simply meet for a drink. I promise that we’ll have a good time and it will beb relaxed!

Have a great night Lisa!”

NOW SING ALONG —

One of today’s Chemistry.com headlines that I was matched with:

“I am looking for some one that can be rigth by me not in front or behin in other words some one that can carry her own weight. “

True dat dog. I hate when people dare stand behin me. It’s just not right. NOT RIGHT!

Here is the description another match wrote about himself … when asked to give details about himself … not what he does for a living or his philosophy of life … info that would be important to know about him prior to a first date.

“A composer (Latin com+ponere, literally “one who puts together”) is a person who creates music, usually by musical notation, for interpretation and performance. The level of distinction between composers and other musicians varies, which affects issues such as copyright and the deference given to individual interpretations of a particular piece of music. In the development of European music, the function of composing music initially did not have much greater importance than that of performing it. The preservation of individual compositions did not receive enormous attention and musicians generally had no qualms about modifying compositions for performance. Over time, however, the written notation of the composer came to be treated as strict instructions from which performers should not deviate without good practical or artistic reason. Performers do, however, play the music and interpret it in a way that is all their own. In fact, in the concerto form, the soloist would often compose and perform a cadenza as a way to express their individual interpretation of the piece.

The term “composer” is often used to refer to composers of instrumental music, such as those found in classical, jazz or other forms of art and traditional music. In popular and folk music, the composer is usually called a songwriter, since the music generally takes the form of a song.”

If you read all of that then you did better than me. I’m sure he is very nice but I will never know as:
A. His profile annoys me (Which oddly enough I don’t usually hold against people as most don’t know how to write and online profiles are dumb. Seriously Shakespeare, David Mamet, Michael Crichton, Jodi Picoult, Tennessee Williams, and Judy Blume would all have lame profiles. They are impossible to write even for the most talented author.)
B. I’d get too drunk on a first date. He would obviously talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk … while I did nothing but consumed beverages and excused myself for restroom breaks (he probably wouldn’t stop talking while I was gone). Take it from me. During a recent date I forgot the sound of my own voice and spent 30 minutes staring at an empty glass mentally calculating the odds of getting a DUI on the way home vs. listening to the blah blah blah for much longer sober.
C. No picture. You know my feelings on this. PUT A FREAKIN’ PICTURE UP. FAIR IS FAIR.

Logging into Chemistry.com today I was happy to see that they had identified members of their prestigious panel who would fit well with me. They have to be correct in their love choices, after all I took that ridiculously long questionnaire just so the magical site could match me up with guys and give me valid reasons why we should spend eternity together.

“Like you Markus enjoys watching movies.”

“Like you Ben is the oldest child.”

“Like you Charlie likes to breath oxygen.”

More times than I like to admit Chemistry matches me with someone that makes me want to take the staircase to the roof of the building and swan dive off of it. Today though I was in for a special treat!

The first thing that you see is the person’s tag line. A small, usually one liner, that is suppose to capture your attention and make you want to learn more. One of today’s “match” victims had the following headline:

“ Hello easy goin fello here just chillin lookin for something different in my life thats good and appreciative of good company 22″

Not going to lie. I am intrigured and want to read more. Maybe not for the reasons Chemistry was hoping for but why argue over something so small as “reason”. So I happily read his profile:

“ Me like i said im easy goin but don’t make me mad love delicious ladies that can appreciate a real man a good man a good person if intrested take a peak.id luv too here from intresting people whats the flavor for this year??”

He loves delicious ladies and I AM a delicious lady. I don’t want to get ahead of myself and say we are soulmates but come on … can you deny it at this point? I’d love to “take a peak” but sadly he did not post any pictures. My imagination will just have to run wild! Although further analysis of his profile gives me this tidbit of insightful information:

“A book, movie, concert or play that he’s recently enjoyed: enjoyed the action and plot of transformers 2″

What a catch ladies. Back off. Chemistry has decided he is mine. I hear wedding bells.

I think there was some sort of group New Year’s Resolution that happened this year. A Resolutionary War that I was not aware I was a part of until they started to attack! Older (a lot older) men have dusted off their best shirtless pictures from their younger days, stormed Match.com, and have me in their sights. Why shirtless you say? Good question. Obviously it was ammunition they felt I would not be able to fight back from. Nah I say! I will stay strong and continue to retaliate with the “block” button until I am victorious!

Headline from one of my online matches this morning —

“No hutchie mamas, No party girls, and No one who thinks there gods gift to man.”

A man who knows what he wants and has a less then firm grasp on his punctuation and grammar.

I always have this dilemma. Do I or do I not give out my cell phone to an online date prior to meeting him. I’ve been burned both ways. If I don’t he will be late or I will be late or after doing a once over on the dates profile I may decide I need stronger drink options (it happens) and therefore need to move the meeting location. No phone number? Totally out of luck.

But if I do give out the number then I get texts like this:

“How are you? (Name Blocked to protect the Innocent)”

WHO ARE YOU? SERIOUSLY? WHO ARE YOU? I have no idea and I’ll have to go through 3 different sites to try and match up name and number to get even the faintest idea who you are. I need more info like “we met through Match.com and had a drink at The Griffin”. At least then I can narrow you down to a handful of folks.

Sigh. Being me is so hard.

Update:
Okay I think I’ve figured out who this guy is. Maybe. Originally I thought it was “Texty-Text” who got his nickname due to the crazy number of texts/vm he left prior to our first date. Now I think it is some guy WHO I NEVER MET AND WHO NEVER GAVE ME HIS PHONE NUMBER. How, on God’s green earth, do you expect me to know who you are with the only clue being a name 10% of the male population of the US has (I made that stat up but it sounds about right)? AND he said “Ok Hon” in a correspondence with me which was like a pebble being dropped in a pond. If the pebble was that statement and the pond was my friends and the ripples were of hate and annoyance. Still I think I’ll text him back because he looks like Right Said Fred in his pictures and that just makes me giggle.

So last night’s date went “okay”. 90% of the time that is my take. That is why I have a new-ish rule. EVERYONE DESERVES A SECOND DATE. I’ve had to force this rule on myself. I’m not overly happy about it but a girl has to do what a girl has to do. Very few people are good at dating and that “creepy” vibe you get could just be first date nerves. I went out on a date with a guy recently that giggled through the entire thing. Seriously. Like a little girl. Giggle giggle giggle. I have to assume that isn’t his actual personality but jitters finding their way out.

There are two exceptions to this rule:
* The guy is a liar liar pants on fire (aka he says he is 30 and his pictures show him as a male model in cowboy gear only to find out he is closer to 45 and his modeling days are far behind him — don’t laugh —- it’s happened — to me) or possible stalker/killer.
* He is a perfectly nice guy but the thought of kissing him makes me gag.

Honestly this new rule hasn’t really been put into play yet. If my response to a date is “that was okay” I usually leave it up to him. If he asks me out again I’ll go. If he doesn’t I won’t. Even though the last 3 (but whose counting) dates I’ve responded with, “yes, that would be great” to the “can I give you a call” question no one has actually given me a call. Now you may read this as I’m a bad first date. Impossible I tell you. I am so charming it would knock your socks off. So here is my take …. if I don’t jump them wrapping my legs and arms around them and covering them with kisses they are too chicken shit to ask someone out. Man up boys. Let’s see what you are made of.

Last nights date threw me a curve ball. Here is how he ended the night, “well, I’ll leave this up to you. You have my phone number. If you want to go out again give me a call.” TOUCHE MY FRIEND. I don’t like it. Kinda pisses me off. BUT T O U C H E!