Monthly Archives: September 2010

I’m Sorry – In Advance

22 Wednesday Sep 2010

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Pissy.

That is the best adjective to describe my mood lately.  I’ve been pissy.  I’m not sure why.  I just have.  My fuse is short, my tolerance for “the stupid” is low, overall I’m in attack mode and ready to take on the world!  That means I’ve been mean.  Not, kick you in the face, mean but “sigh”, roll my eyes, pointed harsh wording mean.  I see myself doing it.  I feel the nasty coming out but I can’t stop it.  I’m just not able to.  So if you have or will cross my path during this pissy mode and I’m mean to you I apologize.  I can’t help it.  It’s like a reflex.  Like blinking.

You Look Like a Puppet.

22 Wednesday Sep 2010

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As you know from a past post I decided to quite Chemistry.com.  If you read this blog at all the reasons should be obvious.  I still have a few days left on my membership, so I decided to throw caution to the wind and just hit “I’m Interested” on every single person the magic web site matched me up with.   Horrible spelling errors … go ahead.  Unnatural connection to your mother … no problem, please continue.  Lack of job, live with family, 10 roommates, 55 years old … whatever.  Then I came across a photo that was so jarring I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t press the promised button.  This guy wasn’t horrible looking but he was creeping me out.  He looked like Ernie (as in Bert and) on cocaine and was staring into my soul.  Even for fun I couldn’t hit the “I’m Interested” button.  I’m sorry Ernie.  I just couldn’t do it.

Elevator Etiquette

21 Tuesday Sep 2010

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I work on the 9th floor of an office building so I have a lot of first hand experience with poor elevator etiquette.  BUT before I launch into a tirade against the people riding up and down in my building let me focus on the “Riggins” part of this “Me Myself & Riggins” blog.

I have very little experience of Riggins and elevators.  This is a good thing as the experience I have isn’t great.  For being such a big guy Riggins is a giant scardy cat.  It’s no surprise an elevator ride with him would cause me nothing but grief.  The Petco by my house requires me to park underground and then find a way up with Riggins in tow.  The escalator is out of the question and the stairs require to go “the long” way around and even they aren’t great since you can see through to the ground and that freaks Riggins out.  So I decided to take the elevator.  Best of the worse.  The ride up wasn’t horrific since he didn’t know what was going on.  He got in the elevator casually but didn’t fight it much.  Then he took a STANCE  in the middle.  All 4 legs out.  Head down.  Un-moving due to terror.  After shopping I headed back to the elevator where, upon seeing the contraption, he put on the breaks and wiggled back and out of his seatbelt/leash.  Leaving me more panicked them him as he was now inches from the worse drivers in America.  I put his seatbelt back on and tried to push him in … didn’t work … did manage to fully entertain the two older gentleman watching from a bench.  So we had to go the long way to the stairs!

Taking a big dog on an elevator — poor elevator etiquette.

Now back to the humans and my daily horror of having to deal with them while confined in a small space.  Here is a list, based on my experience, of things you should and/or should not do while waiting for or riding the elevator:

– If I’m in the elevator happily riding up/down on my own and you and your significant other get in with me, don’t make out the entire “ride.”  This just happened to me moments ago.  It wasn’t fun.  Fair warning … the next couple to do this I will kick in the shins.

– If you are waiting for the elevator and the up and/or down light is already on noting that the elevator has been called for don’t push your way through the mass of people to push it again.  You aren’t doing anything more than pissing me off.

– If you are male you need to allow the female members of the elevator riders to get on or get off before you.  I say this as a feminist and realize that is contradictory and I don’t care.  If you push your way ahead of me you look like an ass.  Probably because you are.

– If I have pushed the button to call the elevator and then you show up and then the car shows up I get to go on first.  You should enter the elevator (minus the dude last rule) in the order you showed up for it.  I’ve made a mental list of who showed up when in my head and I expect that same ranking to be followed into the elevator.  Pushing your way in first is useless as, no matter what, we are all stuck in this box for the next few seconds.  The difference is now you will be taking that ride with me glaring at you in total hatred.

– Don’t wear perfume/cologne.  Seriously.  Did you swim in it?  Do you think that makes you smell better in some way.  You are foul.  Take a bath so you won’t give me and the other riders a migraine.

Now you know.  You can now fully experience riding an elevator without upsetting others around you!  You can think me later.

Do I Need to Define Atheist For You

17 Friday Sep 2010

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The Chemistry.com fun isn’t over yet friends. My subscription still has a few days on it. Long enough for this gem.

Now that I’ve hit the “resigned” button more guys seem to be noticing me. Oh Chemistry.com. You are so wacky. Someone today felt we should be a match. Here is what he says about himself:

In His Own Words

“im a christian man,looking for a christian woman to share the word, and pray. also to enjoy life and have a good time while being saved. also to fellowship togather enjoy eachothers company share revelation knowlegde and testimonies.”

As you know under “religious beliefs” I’ve stated I’m an Atheist so this guy obviously didn’t read any of my profile. That’s fine. Most people just look at the pictures. I do find it odd that besides his lack of grammar and spelling skills he felt deeply enough to write this and yet market his religious beliefs as “spiritual but not religious.” You want to make a bet?

My Cooking Skills = You Jealous. Admit It.

17 Friday Sep 2010

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As I’ve mentioned before I read a couple of “healthy living” blogs. They are written by adorable 20 something year old pixies. Vegan or vegetarian with an undying love to whip up fancy foods for them and their equally adorable spouses before they head out for their 7 million mile runs. Just reading about them annoys me. How do this gals have the energy, time, and spirit to whip up a healthy breakfast, lunch, & dinner everyday? Zzzzzzzzz.

They are not me.

4 out of the 5 days of my work week I come home, throw on my work-out clothes, go to Bar Method class or for my run (3 ish miles vs. 7 million), come home and collapse in front of the TV for an hour before dragging myself to my bed (no need to shower by that point all the sweat has dried and Riggins doesn’t mind the smell) to read for a bit before sleep. I realize my life is much too exciting for most people to handle.

The biggest problem I have is figuring out what to make for dinner in the 5-10 seconds between going from not hungry at all post work-out to OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT post work-out. Add exhaustion from a long day of work and then exercise and you get nothin’. I often make a big ol’ vat of something on Sunday and then put a pile of whatever that is in a bowl or plate, put it in the microwave for a bit, and ta da! DINNER! Lately I’ve been even too pooped to do that. I’ve invited what I call the NOwich. It’s like a Sandwich but not. Here is the recipe should you want to recreate:

Take a plate. Grab a packet of sandwich turkey slices. Take out a bundle of them and place on your plate. Grab a packet of pre-sliced low fat sandwich cheese slices. Take out two and put them on your plate. Make sure to take out the paper they put between slices as they taste horrible. Grab an avocado. Cut it in half. Scoop out the yummy goodness and put on your plate. Grab something from the fridge to drink and DONE! THE NOWICH.

I work from home on Thursday so yesterday I had a nowich for lunch. After Bar Method class I got home and couldn’t think about doubling up on those in one day so I grabbed my next “go to” dinner item. I will share this recipe with you as well (excited?):

Take a single serving 1 min brown rice container. Open it up. Grab a container of egg whites from the fridge. Poor the egg whites into the rice container until it is almost full. Put it in the microwave and hit “popcorn” setting. That isn’t actually a necessary setting it is just the only setting that works on my microwave. After a couple minutes take out the souffle looking item and turn it upside down on your plate. Add some salsa. DONE! EGG WHITES AND RICE.

Now when I told my mom my plans for dinner she was horrified. Who likes egg whites? I do. I LOVE THEM. If you think too much about what they really are, eggs, in general, are gross. Really disgusting. Egg whites are worse. They are the mucous plug of the chicken. Don’t look at me like that. You eat it too when they scramble up your eggs you know. Still they are tasty so you have to ignore their origin. I had an egg white sandwich for breakfast this morning!

Egg whites are also, I’m told, really good for you. Low fat, low calories, high protein. I learned this from a character on TV. He plays a doctor so I totally believe him.

So there you go. Two somewhat healthy (although not Vegan nor Vegetarian) meals that are easy and fast. Take that oddly healthy pixie-like bloggers!

Do I Know You?

15 Wednesday Sep 2010

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I received the following email from a Match.com user:

“hi

hi Wendy:

how are you? I am a member now:)”

Doesn’t it seem like he knows me? Like he signed up so he could talk to me? I scratched my head and wondered if I was missing something so I went through my old emails on the system and I don’t think I’ve ever communicated with him … ever. I don’t know how to respond.

“I’m good. Good for you.”

“Okay. Welcome to membership.”

“Fine. Want to go for a jogg?” (Spelling taken from his profile. I figure it would be best to speak his language.)

“I’m doing well. Good for you. Way to fill out a profile. I’m proud of you!”

“Great. Finally! Thank God. Do you want to get married now?”

I think all those responses are appropriate.

Visual

15 Wednesday Sep 2010

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Per my post yesterday I’ve cancelled my Chemistry.com membership. If you have read this blog at all you know why. Still some may think I’m being a bit harsh on the system. For you people I decided to give you a visual. Above are just a few of the 259+ men who I have shown interest in and never heard from … ever. That is right. I “showed interest” (meaning I passed them to the next level in the silly database) in over 259 men and not one of them decided to contact me back.

Sounds like really bad odds to me!

Resigned — Totally

13 Monday Sep 2010

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I was 1/2 through my “matches” on Chemistry.com today and thought ENOUGH. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. So I hit the “resign” button. My subscription ends mid October and then I’m done with Chemistry. I’ve been a member since 2007 with just a handful of dates. So goodbye.

The one who is most hurt by this separation is you. Most of my “funny” profiles and comments came from Chemistry.com. Even so, I can’t go on. For my sanity I have to resign and move on. I’m sure I can find poor souls unable to spell other places.

Speaking of where should I sign up now? I need a site to fill the void of Chemistry. what do you think?

Guide to Stalking Me

10 Friday Sep 2010

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Me being me I’m always trying to cut down on the ways people can stalk me. This is such a problem for me. Really. Shaking the stalkers. Paris Hilton, Lindsay & me. We are all very popular people. It is really much to easy to be a successful stalker given the information highway known as the Internet and our need to share every waking moment with our social network “friends.”

I’ve turned off the GPS id on my phone’s camera. Did you know, on most cells, if you take a photo and post it on Twitter (for example) people will know where you are since your location is part of the pictures identification? I didn’t. Well until I discovered a web site that tracked people via their pics. So OFF went that feature … as soon as I discovered where it was located within the spiderweb of programs on my iPhone.

I try hard not to “post” info about vacations I’m taking until after I return for fear someone will break into my house and still my Seven Deadly Sins plates (Art and functionality. Very practical. Definitely the first grab by any thief.).

I have privacy-ed up my Facebook page to the point that only a hand few of lucky folks see anything of any importance.

So imagine my horror when NY friends introduced me to FourSquare. This odd “game” allows you to “check in” places while you are there (you have to be there … your phone GPS has to be within a specific distance of the location). HOW FREAKIN’ CRAZY IS THAT? They assured me that it is “big fun.” My mind was then blown when Facebook jumped on the stalker bandwagon and launched “Places.” One glance at my Facebook feed and I could now tell you a friend was at a sushi place in South Pas or that my cousin was at the bar … again.

Now here is the part when you get shocked … I signed up for FourSquare. Lots of reasons but the biggest being I was curious and it turns out companies do use it as a marketing tool (it’s true I read about it multiple times in the ad trades) and since I’m in market research I felt I should check it out. My plan was not to ever check in anywhere but I had to start to see how you “play.” Then I was addicted and HAD to become mayor of someplace. Any place! You become mayor if you check in more than anyone else at that location over a 2 month period. I think. Honestly I don’t know how you become mayor and quite possibly made up that whole 2 month thing.

THEN IT HAPPENED! I became mayor of a McDonald’s! MY LIFE WAS COMPLETE … RIGHT? Wrong. I had a new goal. I HAD TO become mayor of my Bar Method studio. IT HAD TO HAPPEN OR I WOULD DIE … I HAD TO BE THE MOST DEDICATED BAR METHOD STUDENT THAT IS CRAZY ENOUGH TO “CHECK IN” AT A LOCATION ON A SILLY SOCIAL NETWORK SITE. I HAD TO BE! This week IT HAPPENED! Check out the picture above from my phone.

I am officially now mayor of 2 fast food restaurants and a work out club. Suck on that wackiness FourSquare!

Sigh … my life is complete. I can now rest easy and stop taking time to check my phone at every location I stop at everyday. Stalking me will no longer be quite as easy.

Him? What? Wait a second.

10 Friday Sep 2010

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My profile on the online dating sites is very clear. It states “Woman seeking Man.” Not that there is anything wrong with any other combination of these words, that is what mine says. So, obviously, the people who come up as matched to me by Chemistry.com are men. Those who I pass on to the next level (showing I’m interested) are men. From there we can email back and forth and/or play silly Chemistry, get to know you, reindeer games. Explain then this email I just received from some gentleman?

(This spacing is straight from his original letter. Signs of a bad cut and paste job.)

“Hello Dear,You have a lovely profile.Was actually caught up by you and to my satisfaction, i was really amazed when i set my eyes on this astonished pic of

yours, You look pretty,didnt hesitate to send you a letter . I hope it didnt bug you somehow? I am single and never married with no Kids. I am looking to

meet that special someone but so far havent found one yet. I know Good things deserves patience, so in otherwords, I am not in any rush. Just searching and

been optimistic hoping one day he will come take me off my feets..lol…I feel quite delighted hearing from you and writing this to you. I joined this

website few days back and i realized most of the profiles have read haven’t been that impressive compared to yours,so i thought i should know a little more

about your unique and differences from other Men. Getting to find true love is kinda getting harder as the day goes by as almost everybody i come across

wants that good time just having sex and notwanting true love, True love don’t Lie,it knows no Boundary,its like a seed that Germinates and once it is

planted,it extends it branches beyond a limit of attach Women behavior towards racism,Custom and tradition, I am Originally from Cali but have always want a

life anywhere love takes me or some Natural state place, i will be willing to relocate for that special man for me and settle down to start a new life

together, If you want to talk to me, My email is xxx[email address edited for the privacy of this moron] at yahoo,

so you will have to know that its:
xxx[edited again because that is how dumb this person is]@yahoo.com

Pls do keep in touch if you’ve got a chance.I will be anxiously waiting to hear from you, send me a reply on my email alone cos i am not used to this Yahoo

personals site.

I hope you will keep in touch. “

I wrote back suggesting they double check the sex of the person they are spamming with their bullshit prior to hitting the send button. I’d like to think that little comment will ruin their day but I doubt they care.