I do believe I’ve already told you my suggestion on how to interact via email on a dating site. Let me remind you …

I suggest something like this:

“Wendy –
I’d love to meet you out for drinks. Are you free anytime this week?
Joe”

I DON’T suggest sending your failed stand up set from last nights open mic. AKA the e-mail I received today (warning — I could not read the entire thing. I have match.com ADD. Feel free to skim as I did. I think you will get the point):

“I just had to stop by and say hi to one of the prettiest ladies on this or any site. Now I am going out on a limb and hopefully attack your funny bone…wish me luck 😉 Enjoy sweetie and hope is scores me some HUGE points and I hear back. I am trying really hard and my fingers are KILLING me from typing so much…lol

The economy is so bad that:

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

When I ordered a burger at McDonald’s the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald’s is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned thei r children’s names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico
.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges and Exxon-Mobil laid off 5 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally, the one I love the most…

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Alright just incase that didn’t work, I am going to pull out the heavy artillery and share my rules with you that I came up with and listed below for any boy who plans on dating my 9 going on 14…lol beautiful little girl when she is old enough to date. Enjoy…

My Rules For Any Boy Who Plans On Dating My Daughter…

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. Howe ver, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “Barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “early”

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out w ith my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose dow n parka — zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten 10: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exi t the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car — there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. “

Even if a two drink min. isn’t required I’m confident I couldn’t read this e-mail top to bottom without a couple strong gin and tonics.

The headline of one of my chemistry match’s today had a headline that made me wonder if perhaps he thought we were both superheros.

I have long ago agreed to pass everyone on to the next steps no matter what but I don’t think I can do it with this guy (although he is cute and is the asst. director to the Simpsons — so he says — which makes you think he may be kidding). Here is more about who he is and what he wants in his own words:

“I’m the male version of what I’m looking for in a woman, very spiritual, out of the box thinker, awake and aware. I’m a connoisseur in the alien and extraterrestrial phenomena and I’m very interested in benevolent ET’s. I’m honest, compassionate, loyal, high moral and ethical values, fit and slender (always), vegetarian, practice reconnective healing and meditation, love my folks, they’re still married, therefore I’m not psychologically traumatized by divorced parents, it’s hard to find someone like that nowadays. I’m loving and kind, not jealous, financially independent, love cats (have two), very sexual, don’t look my age, speak my mind with integrity, respectful tours nature and others. Plus I am a drummer, goofy at times and in love with life, I’m a hopeless romantic and I AM LOVE! So yes, I look for all of that in a woman more or less.

I’m searching for my life mate, someone that completes me and I her. As an artist looks are very important to me, unless I’m looking at a drop dead gorgeous model I’m not even attracted, sort of the spiritual Victoria’s Secret type. That woman who knows I am everything she’s looking for. That special someone that somewhat can almost remember we agreed to meet and have a great life together before we came into this world. Bottom line until we interact soul to soul we’ll never know. “

To recap he is a alien loving vegetarian who meditates on loving cats and will only fall in love with a Victoria Secret model whose soul is willing to interact with him.

That is strike one, two and three all in one sentence! Nah. No way right? No one can be that big of a tool (he does have a picture of himself in Ohm position on a mountain …). I’m going with the idea that he is joking (I don’t think he is joking) and passing him on. This will end badly.

From today’s well thought out and scientific “match”. You are 42 years old and thought the best headline to introduce yourself to the online dating world included the words “Huggy Bear?”

One would hope this post is from some a**hole “screwing around”. Since Chemistry feels we will be a good fit and he counts as one of my “matches” today I’d like him grab something heavy. Tie it to himself. Walk out to the Santa Monica Pier. And jump.

A**hole.