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Grandma Always Knows Best

28 Wednesday May 2014

Posted by wendynewell in Uncategorized

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Tags

Big Mac, breakfast, Camping, date shake, dinner, egg white, family, food, grandma, Jack in the Box, Marie Calendars, McDonalds, pie, Taco Bell

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Grandma and Grandpa Clemmons

There is a serious food fight going on right now.  A fast food fight.  The chains of greasy goodness are going at it for your burger bucks.  You already know breakfast is my all time favorite fast food meal and really I appreciate the new egg white options.  If all the folks would now take Jack in the Box’s lead and serve those delicious sandwiches all day long I’d be in heaven.  Egg white and cheesy goodness heaven.  There are some new updates since my last post.  Taco Bell now has, what I consider genius, a waffle breakfast taco.  I can’t seem to convince myself to try it.  I REALLY want to but I think that the dream of it’s wonderful deliciousness can never live up to the real thing and I don’t want to be let down.  *** Breaking breakfast news …. Del Taco has a breakfast taco!  What???!!!!  Breakfast tacos are the best.  It’s tiny and compact and just enough so that your stomach doesn’t want to eat itself in the morning but not too much that you feel like you have consumed your daily calorie intake before 8AM.  Total breakfast breakthrough.

The next big fight after breakfast is the late night crowd or, as I’m sure the marketers of these establishments call them, the “drunk stoner folks with disposable income.”  Now I’m rarely out and about after 10 PM and if I am I’m not really looking for a 4th meal (thank you Taco Bell for that) but if I was I have quite a lot of options.  Jack in the Box seems to really have that crowd researched and buttoned down.   Awhile back when I was walking the neighborhood looking for lost Miles dog everything was closed up and dead EXCEPT the local Jack in the Box.  That place was HOPPING!  Recently I saw a commercial for McDonald’s newest late night option.  They offer a bogo (buy one get one) on the Big Mac.

The Big Mac!  When is the last time you have had one of those????  I live in Los Angeles.  I’m surprised they still sell them here.  Seriously I don’t know the last time I saw someone chowing down on two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce cheese, pickles onions, on a sesame seed bun.  The only person I know who LOVED Big Macs was my Grandma Clemmons.

My sister, Grandma, me and two of my cousins.

My sister, Grandma, me and two of my cousins.

My Grandma was a little woman who knew how to enjoy life!  She was the best and one thing that I remember is going to McDonalds with her and being in awe of her eating an entire Big Mac.  She loved those things!  She would also go to Marie Calendar’s and get a piece of pie  …. just cause!  It blew my mind!  You could go to Marie Calendar’s, sit down, and order a slice à la mode for no reason at all?  You sure could and if I was with my grandma it could even happen to me!!!

download (1)I remember going camping with my Grandma and having a blast.  She was the one who taught me the date shakes at Santa’s Village on the way to Santa Barbara are the best!  I camped with her at Carpinteria State Beach once.  Just her and me (other family members were there for a bit).  I remember looking at flowers with her and buying a t-shirt that said, “Should I be found anywhere else in the universe please return me to Carpinteria, CA for I’m highly respected and dearly loved in that city and they will gladly pay first class postage for me.”  It cracked me up.

download (2)I remember one holiday when I started choking on a hard candy and Grandma flung me upside down and smacked me on the back until I threw up the obstruction.  I was pretty shocked by that.  I wasn’t really sure what was happening.  I remember when my dad had a heart attack in Las Vegas and my sister and I stayed with my Grandma while my mom stayed with my dad in the hospital.  My aunt and cousins came down from Santa Barbara to hang with us.  We had a blast!  I still kinda feel bad about that … but I was with Grandma … I had a blast.

One of my favorite stories happened while driving home from my cousin’s house in Santa Cruz.  We stopped at Morro Bay for some salt water taffy.  My cousin and I were horrified as my grandma drove the wrong way on a big street.  She had gotten turned around and wasn’t too worried about it.  It seemed we had a lot of room and she had the whole thing handled.  My cousin and I ducked under the windows in horror of being seen with the crazy lady who just waved at everyone as they passed her honking.  When I got old enough I was the designated driver after that!

My sister, her husband, Grandma, my nephew, me, and my mom.

My sister, her husband, Grandma, my nephew, me, and my mom.

My Grandma’s house always had a container of M&Ms.  I’d take a handful and then eat them like you are supposed to.  Separating them all out by color and then eating them in a rainbow pattern (orange, yellow, green, light brown, dark brown — there was no red during these years and blue hadn’t arrived yet) until each color ran out.  She collected bells and they lived in a big glass case off the kitchen.  Each of us grandkids had our favorite.  Mine was the turtle.  They were numbered and cataloged but we were still allowed to take out the ones we liked and play with them.  When my Grandma passed away we were given a bell.  I have the turtle (along with a few others) in my china cabinet.

download (6)Thinking of Grandma I wanted one of those Big Macs really bad.  It just so happened that the next day I was out late.  I had gone to a friends artsy fartsy social gathering and it had gone long.  When I got in the car and looked at the clock I was ecstatic.  It was Big Mac bogo time!!!!!  I cruised through the drive thru and ordered up.  I took about 3 bites and wrapped up the rest of my haul and put it in the refrigerator.  Those Big  Macs were my breakfast for the next 3 mornings.  Cold … everything like that is better eaten cold.  Unlike my grandma I wasn’t going to finish one in a sitting.  I made that deal last!  In case you were wondering it was pretty good.  Grandma always knew best!

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Wendy Food Hacks

25 Tuesday Feb 2014

Posted by wendynewell in Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

almond milk, atheist, avocado, breakfast, Chick-fil-a, chicken, coconut milk, egg white, egg yolk, food, God, Lewis Black, milk, vegetarian

If you are like me and multi task while watching TV by being on Pinterest then you know “hacks” are the new big thing.  (I’m convinced this is why I can no longer watch anything but sitcoms.  Anything more complicated than that and I look up from my iPhone wondering why so and so is dead and have to rewind only to do it all over again because there are succulent arrangements on Pinterest that have really caught my attention).  “Hacks” are ways of doing things you normally do, but better.  Most aren’t very helpful but every once in a while you find a good one and it makes the hours you spent reading through blog after blog worth it.  Of course, you immediately forget about it once you turn your computer off or set down your iPhone.  For a good 5 seconds your life seems much easier.  I thought I’d share a few of my food hacks with you.  If we were being honest, and I will be, they aren’t hacks at all but I was trying to be hip and cool so I used that word to describe them.

38197_1570988834597_2031661_n* Almond milk – Moo cow milk sucks.  It’s disgusting.  Just saying it makes me gag just a little in the back of my throat.  It also kills my stomach.  It took me a long time to admit that I’m probably somewhat lactose intolerant.  The last time I had real ice cream I spent the evening in the fetal position praying to the gods of stomach pains to just take me and be done with it.  Since my folks were not hippies and I love Lewis Black (mostly because I love Lewis Black – see video below) it took me a long time to tiptoe down the milk aisle a bit and try some of the milk alternatives.  They are pretty good guys … p r e t t y good.  My favorite is the unflavored almond milk.  It tastes a lot like non-fat milk but not as gaggy.  The very best part is that it lasts FOREVER!  I was always throwing milk away.  No matter how small a carton I’d purchase I’d never get through it before it went bad.  Almond milk is like Twinkies of the milk aisle.  It lasts forever.  Well forever in milk years.  There are other options out there.  If you have a child who likes sugary cereals give him/her coconut milk.  It probably has too many calories for you but your skinny little child can take it plus it is naturally the sweetest thing you have ever tasted … and this is me saying that … me … the woman who can eat cotton candy straight from the machine.

If you are hesitant to jump off the “Moo Cow Fuck Milk” (thanks Mr. Black) train then start with the chocolate version of your fake milk of choice.  It’s the gateway milk product that can help you transition.

packshot_chik-patties-original* Fake Chicken – I’m going to say this and then crawl under my desk in shame.  I really like Chick-fil-a.  It’s freakin’ delicious.  I say this as an atheist sitting here typing this while wearing a “Straight against Hate” shirt (seriously).  Those God loving folks know their way around a chicken sandwich.  I’ll give them that.  I realize I shouldn’t like them.  I know I know … but it’s goooooooooooooood.  They are also crazy nice.  Have you been to one?  Apparently the fear of God equals unparalleled customer service.  I can love my gays, Bill Nye, AND Chick-fil-a … can’t I? (Note — No offense meant toward my religious friends.  More toward intolerant folks.  Those folks I can’t tolerant — isn’t it ironic — don’t you think?)

Well besides not wanting to support that “type” of company  (that much … It’s seriously good) I also really try not to eat that many animals.  I am semi-vegetarian.  Which means I’m not vegetarian at all.  I have no health reason to be vegetarian.  I just feel like for someone who loves animals as much as I do I shouldn’t be happy with them being tortured for my food.  Don’t get me wrong if you promised me I’d never get caught I’d happily crawl into a black catsuit, slink over my neighbors fence, kill that rooster, pluck out it’s feathers, cook it and eat it.  I really hate that rooster.  I suppose I’m fine with free range type animal foods.  Sadly I’m too poor and don’t have enough patience to eat that way right this minute.  So when I can I choose vegetarian over meat … at least when I’m by myself in my own home.  I’m not putting anyone out for me being this crazy.

(*** I had to stop writing this to go meet a friend for lunch.  I had pizza that included cheese and pepperoni.  I know need to go down an entire bottle of pepto bismol.  Why does my stomach hate me???? ***)

Being a non-semi-kinda-not really-vegetarian isn’t the point of this.  The point is I want Chick-fil-a sandwiches without the guilt.  Answer … a bagel and fake chicken patties.  Now hear me out.  There is no doubt that a fake chicken patty is nowhere close to a big fat juicy chick-fil-a patty.  I’m not trying to tell you it is.  BUT it’s a pretty good substitute and for someone like me it’s perfect.  Plop one of those in the microwave and stick it in between a bagel and you have yourself a fake guilt free sandwich!  The fat bagel picks up the substance slack from the non-chicken chicken.  If you are gluten free or carb free then I can’t help you.

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* Egg white sandwiches everywhere.  Now I just said I try not to eat meat. Then I told you I had pepperoni on my pizza so you know I’m not trying that hard.  I also don’t count breakfast meat.  Bacon, turkey, and sausage don’t count as long as they are consumed as part of a breakfast item.  Note that they don’t need to be consumed at breakfast just as long as they are part of a traditional breakfast item.  You can eat a breakfast burrito with bacon for dinner, for example.  One thing I don’t like at all is egg yolk.  It’s absolutely disgusting.  I like my eggs as nature intended.  Poured out of a carton titled “egg whites.”  An egg white and avocado sandwich may be the most perfect food on the planet.  Egg whites are also super easy to make plus you can act really self-satisfied when the doctor says you have high cholesterol and need to stop eating egg yolks.  “Way ahead of you doc.”  1 minute on the stove top or less time in the microwave and tada!  Perfection.  The thing is sometimes you are busy and on the road when your stomach is growling and you HAVE to stop for a bite.  Now you can actually get egg white sandwiches from quick serve restaurants (aka the classy name for fast food joints).  It’s a brave new world out there.  Subway was the first to start this new and exciting fad.  Add some spinach, cucumber and avocado and you have a great way to break your fast (I’ve been reading the Game of Thrones books).  Sadly when you have 5 dogs in the car you can’t really leave them to run into Subway for a sandwich artist to take his time putting together a piece of art.  Luckily two drive thru joints have joined in the fun.  McDonalds now has an egg white option.  It comes with canadian bacon which is gross, but you can swap it out for real person bacon or just give the canadian bacon to whatever dog is closest to you at the time.  It’s pretty freakin’ fantastic.  NOW Jack in the Box is on board.  Never one to be left out of a food fad the box now has a yolk free option.  When you hold it in your hands you are going to wonder how you got so lazy that you couldn’t make this yourself at home but then you will shrug and happily stuff it in your mouth.  Their option comes with a slice of turkey and tomato and is on a hamburger bun so you don’t forget where you got it.

There you go!  Go … be free and eat.

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