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Grandma Always Knows Best

28 Wednesday May 2014

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Grandma and Grandpa Clemmons

There is a serious food fight going on right now.  A fast food fight.  The chains of greasy goodness are going at it for your burger bucks.  You already know breakfast is my all time favorite fast food meal and really I appreciate the new egg white options.  If all the folks would now take Jack in the Box’s lead and serve those delicious sandwiches all day long I’d be in heaven.  Egg white and cheesy goodness heaven.  There are some new updates since my last post.  Taco Bell now has, what I consider genius, a waffle breakfast taco.  I can’t seem to convince myself to try it.  I REALLY want to but I think that the dream of it’s wonderful deliciousness can never live up to the real thing and I don’t want to be let down.  *** Breaking breakfast news …. Del Taco has a breakfast taco!  What???!!!!  Breakfast tacos are the best.  It’s tiny and compact and just enough so that your stomach doesn’t want to eat itself in the morning but not too much that you feel like you have consumed your daily calorie intake before 8AM.  Total breakfast breakthrough.

The next big fight after breakfast is the late night crowd or, as I’m sure the marketers of these establishments call them, the “drunk stoner folks with disposable income.”  Now I’m rarely out and about after 10 PM and if I am I’m not really looking for a 4th meal (thank you Taco Bell for that) but if I was I have quite a lot of options.  Jack in the Box seems to really have that crowd researched and buttoned down.   Awhile back when I was walking the neighborhood looking for lost Miles dog everything was closed up and dead EXCEPT the local Jack in the Box.  That place was HOPPING!  Recently I saw a commercial for McDonald’s newest late night option.  They offer a bogo (buy one get one) on the Big Mac.

The Big Mac!  When is the last time you have had one of those????  I live in Los Angeles.  I’m surprised they still sell them here.  Seriously I don’t know the last time I saw someone chowing down on two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce cheese, pickles onions, on a sesame seed bun.  The only person I know who LOVED Big Macs was my Grandma Clemmons.

My sister, Grandma, me and two of my cousins.

My sister, Grandma, me and two of my cousins.

My Grandma was a little woman who knew how to enjoy life!  She was the best and one thing that I remember is going to McDonalds with her and being in awe of her eating an entire Big Mac.  She loved those things!  She would also go to Marie Calendar’s and get a piece of pie  …. just cause!  It blew my mind!  You could go to Marie Calendar’s, sit down, and order a slice à la mode for no reason at all?  You sure could and if I was with my grandma it could even happen to me!!!

download (1)I remember going camping with my Grandma and having a blast.  She was the one who taught me the date shakes at Santa’s Village on the way to Santa Barbara are the best!  I camped with her at Carpinteria State Beach once.  Just her and me (other family members were there for a bit).  I remember looking at flowers with her and buying a t-shirt that said, “Should I be found anywhere else in the universe please return me to Carpinteria, CA for I’m highly respected and dearly loved in that city and they will gladly pay first class postage for me.”  It cracked me up.

download (2)I remember one holiday when I started choking on a hard candy and Grandma flung me upside down and smacked me on the back until I threw up the obstruction.  I was pretty shocked by that.  I wasn’t really sure what was happening.  I remember when my dad had a heart attack in Las Vegas and my sister and I stayed with my Grandma while my mom stayed with my dad in the hospital.  My aunt and cousins came down from Santa Barbara to hang with us.  We had a blast!  I still kinda feel bad about that … but I was with Grandma … I had a blast.

One of my favorite stories happened while driving home from my cousin’s house in Santa Cruz.  We stopped at Morro Bay for some salt water taffy.  My cousin and I were horrified as my grandma drove the wrong way on a big street.  She had gotten turned around and wasn’t too worried about it.  It seemed we had a lot of room and she had the whole thing handled.  My cousin and I ducked under the windows in horror of being seen with the crazy lady who just waved at everyone as they passed her honking.  When I got old enough I was the designated driver after that!

My sister, her husband, Grandma, my nephew, me, and my mom.

My sister, her husband, Grandma, my nephew, me, and my mom.

My Grandma’s house always had a container of M&Ms.  I’d take a handful and then eat them like you are supposed to.  Separating them all out by color and then eating them in a rainbow pattern (orange, yellow, green, light brown, dark brown — there was no red during these years and blue hadn’t arrived yet) until each color ran out.  She collected bells and they lived in a big glass case off the kitchen.  Each of us grandkids had our favorite.  Mine was the turtle.  They were numbered and cataloged but we were still allowed to take out the ones we liked and play with them.  When my Grandma passed away we were given a bell.  I have the turtle (along with a few others) in my china cabinet.

download (6)Thinking of Grandma I wanted one of those Big Macs really bad.  It just so happened that the next day I was out late.  I had gone to a friends artsy fartsy social gathering and it had gone long.  When I got in the car and looked at the clock I was ecstatic.  It was Big Mac bogo time!!!!!  I cruised through the drive thru and ordered up.  I took about 3 bites and wrapped up the rest of my haul and put it in the refrigerator.  Those Big  Macs were my breakfast for the next 3 mornings.  Cold … everything like that is better eaten cold.  Unlike my grandma I wasn’t going to finish one in a sitting.  I made that deal last!  In case you were wondering it was pretty good.  Grandma always knew best!

Wendy Food Hacks

25 Tuesday Feb 2014

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If you are like me and multi task while watching TV by being on Pinterest then you know “hacks” are the new big thing.  (I’m convinced this is why I can no longer watch anything but sitcoms.  Anything more complicated than that and I look up from my iPhone wondering why so and so is dead and have to rewind only to do it all over again because there are succulent arrangements on Pinterest that have really caught my attention).  “Hacks” are ways of doing things you normally do, but better.  Most aren’t very helpful but every once in a while you find a good one and it makes the hours you spent reading through blog after blog worth it.  Of course, you immediately forget about it once you turn your computer off or set down your iPhone.  For a good 5 seconds your life seems much easier.  I thought I’d share a few of my food hacks with you.  If we were being honest, and I will be, they aren’t hacks at all but I was trying to be hip and cool so I used that word to describe them.

38197_1570988834597_2031661_n* Almond milk – Moo cow milk sucks.  It’s disgusting.  Just saying it makes me gag just a little in the back of my throat.  It also kills my stomach.  It took me a long time to admit that I’m probably somewhat lactose intolerant.  The last time I had real ice cream I spent the evening in the fetal position praying to the gods of stomach pains to just take me and be done with it.  Since my folks were not hippies and I love Lewis Black (mostly because I love Lewis Black – see video below) it took me a long time to tiptoe down the milk aisle a bit and try some of the milk alternatives.  They are pretty good guys … p r e t t y good.  My favorite is the unflavored almond milk.  It tastes a lot like non-fat milk but not as gaggy.  The very best part is that it lasts FOREVER!  I was always throwing milk away.  No matter how small a carton I’d purchase I’d never get through it before it went bad.  Almond milk is like Twinkies of the milk aisle.  It lasts forever.  Well forever in milk years.  There are other options out there.  If you have a child who likes sugary cereals give him/her coconut milk.  It probably has too many calories for you but your skinny little child can take it plus it is naturally the sweetest thing you have ever tasted … and this is me saying that … me … the woman who can eat cotton candy straight from the machine.

If you are hesitant to jump off the “Moo Cow Fuck Milk” (thanks Mr. Black) train then start with the chocolate version of your fake milk of choice.  It’s the gateway milk product that can help you transition.

packshot_chik-patties-original* Fake Chicken – I’m going to say this and then crawl under my desk in shame.  I really like Chick-fil-a.  It’s freakin’ delicious.  I say this as an atheist sitting here typing this while wearing a “Straight against Hate” shirt (seriously).  Those God loving folks know their way around a chicken sandwich.  I’ll give them that.  I realize I shouldn’t like them.  I know I know … but it’s goooooooooooooood.  They are also crazy nice.  Have you been to one?  Apparently the fear of God equals unparalleled customer service.  I can love my gays, Bill Nye, AND Chick-fil-a … can’t I? (Note — No offense meant toward my religious friends.  More toward intolerant folks.  Those folks I can’t tolerant — isn’t it ironic — don’t you think?)

Well besides not wanting to support that “type” of company  (that much … It’s seriously good) I also really try not to eat that many animals.  I am semi-vegetarian.  Which means I’m not vegetarian at all.  I have no health reason to be vegetarian.  I just feel like for someone who loves animals as much as I do I shouldn’t be happy with them being tortured for my food.  Don’t get me wrong if you promised me I’d never get caught I’d happily crawl into a black catsuit, slink over my neighbors fence, kill that rooster, pluck out it’s feathers, cook it and eat it.  I really hate that rooster.  I suppose I’m fine with free range type animal foods.  Sadly I’m too poor and don’t have enough patience to eat that way right this minute.  So when I can I choose vegetarian over meat … at least when I’m by myself in my own home.  I’m not putting anyone out for me being this crazy.

(*** I had to stop writing this to go meet a friend for lunch.  I had pizza that included cheese and pepperoni.  I know need to go down an entire bottle of pepto bismol.  Why does my stomach hate me???? ***)

Being a non-semi-kinda-not really-vegetarian isn’t the point of this.  The point is I want Chick-fil-a sandwiches without the guilt.  Answer … a bagel and fake chicken patties.  Now hear me out.  There is no doubt that a fake chicken patty is nowhere close to a big fat juicy chick-fil-a patty.  I’m not trying to tell you it is.  BUT it’s a pretty good substitute and for someone like me it’s perfect.  Plop one of those in the microwave and stick it in between a bagel and you have yourself a fake guilt free sandwich!  The fat bagel picks up the substance slack from the non-chicken chicken.  If you are gluten free or carb free then I can’t help you.

* Egg white sandwiches everywhere.  Now I just said I try not to eat meat. Then I told you I had pepperoni on my pizza so you know I’m not trying that hard.  I also don’t count breakfast meat.  Bacon, turkey, and sausage don’t count as long as they are consumed as part of a breakfast item.  Note that they don’t need to be consumed at breakfast just as long as they are part of a traditional breakfast item.  You can eat a breakfast burrito with bacon for dinner, for example.  One thing I don’t like at all is egg yolk.  It’s absolutely disgusting.  I like my eggs as nature intended.  Poured out of a carton titled “egg whites.”  An egg white and avocado sandwich may be the most perfect food on the planet.  Egg whites are also super easy to make plus you can act really self-satisfied when the doctor says you have high cholesterol and need to stop eating egg yolks.  “Way ahead of you doc.”  1 minute on the stove top or less time in the microwave and tada!  Perfection.  The thing is sometimes you are busy and on the road when your stomach is growling and you HAVE to stop for a bite.  Now you can actually get egg white sandwiches from quick serve restaurants (aka the classy name for fast food joints).  It’s a brave new world out there.  Subway was the first to start this new and exciting fad.  Add some spinach, cucumber and avocado and you have a great way to break your fast (I’ve been reading the Game of Thrones books).  Sadly when you have 5 dogs in the car you can’t really leave them to run into Subway for a sandwich artist to take his time putting together a piece of art.  Luckily two drive thru joints have joined in the fun.  McDonalds now has an egg white option.  It comes with canadian bacon which is gross, but you can swap it out for real person bacon or just give the canadian bacon to whatever dog is closest to you at the time.  It’s pretty freakin’ fantastic.  NOW Jack in the Box is on board.  Never one to be left out of a food fad the box now has a yolk free option.  When you hold it in your hands you are going to wonder how you got so lazy that you couldn’t make this yourself at home but then you will shrug and happily stuff it in your mouth.  Their option comes with a slice of turkey and tomato and is on a hamburger bun so you don’t forget where you got it.

There you go!  Go … be free and eat.

Super Yum Yum

08 Wednesday Jan 2014

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photo (50)You know my deal about cooking.  I only do it if it’s easy.  Well this holiday I made a couple of winners that I found on Pinterest and wanted to share with you.

* 8 Can Taco Soup – I actually skip a can (the chicken … canned chicken sounds gross) so for me this is 7 Can Taco Soup!  This could not be easier.  You take a bunch of cans of food (specific ones not just any that you happen to throw in your cart), drain whatever is in them and then plop them in a big ol’ pot.  Done!  I’ve actually made this twice once with and once without the taco seasoning packet.  I like it better without but remember I’m a huge wimp when it comes to anything spicy.  Someone on the blog suggested substituting a ranch dressing packet for the taco seasoning.  I actually had planned to do that on my last batch but totally forgot to purchase it.

If you are fancy you could add a dollop of sour cream, a couple of slices of avocado and some tortilla chips.  If you are me you can just ladle it right out of the pot and into your mouth.  I love soup and I love mexican food so this is the perfect lunch or dinner for me.  Today I’m eating it for both!  Yum yum!

Ingredients:

  • 1 (15 oz.) can black beans, drained and rinsed
  • 1 (15 oz.) can pinto beans, drained and rinsed
  • 1 (14.5 oz.) can petite diced tomatoes, drained
  • 1 (15.25 oz.) can sweet corn, drained
  • 1 (12.5 oz.) can white chicken breast, drained
  • 1 (10.75 oz.) can cream of chicken soup
  • 1 (10 oz.) can green enchilada sauce
  • 1 (14 oz.) can chicken broth
  • 1 packet taco seasoning
Directions:
  1. Mix all ingredients together in a large pot.
  2. Heat until warm, stirring occasionally.
  3. Serve.

* Cake Batter Rice Krispie Treats – You read that correctly.  Already sounds delicious doesn’t it?  When you click on the link to go to the original blog post of this amazing concoction you will notice that the fancy pants woman made cute little cupcakes out of the krispie treats.  She even made the effort to top them with some fancy schmancy icing.  I did not do that.  I made them like a normal person would make rice krispie treats and packed them into a pan and cut them into squares.  Worked great.  Tasted better.  Seriously for how little effort it takes to add some vanilla and cake mix to your krispie mixture the additional wow factor for your taste buds is amazing.  Do it.  Wow your taste buds.  They deserve it.

Ingredients 

  • 6 tbs margarine* (3/4 of a stick)
  • 3/4 cup yellow cake mix
  • 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
  • 3 cups Rice Krispies
  • 1/2 10oz bag of marshmallows (5oz)
  • 1 tbs sprinkles

Instructions 

Melt margarine in the microwave (about 45 seconds). Mix in marshmallows and return to microwave for 30 second intervals, stirring between, until melted. Mix in cake mix and vanilla until combined. Add in sprinkles and 2 cups of Rice Krispies with a spatula. Add in the third cup of Rice Krispies.

Fill each well-greased pan with the Rice Krispie mixture and press it in gently with the back of a spoon. Cool for 30 minutes in the refrigerator.

(I don’t have any pictures of any of this so enjoy some more dog pictures.  They are cute and sweet too.)

Mind Your Manners

28 Monday Jan 2013

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ry=400Recently I noticed on Pinterest a pin that informed you of the proper way to address wedding invitations.  I don’t plan to send out that type of correspondence anytime soon but I do send letters through the mail at least once a year.  It wouldn’t hurt for me to brush up on my mail etiquette.  Turns out that stuff is crazy!  No wonder it’s a popular pin there is no way to remember all those insane rules.  There were a couple of surprises to me, good and bad.  Good – If the woman of a couple has a doctorate while her husband does not her name comes first.  For example, Dr. Wendy Newell and Mr. Riggins Newell.  That makes perfect sense but I was surprised that it was actually a valid rule.  Bad – If children are invited their names shouldn’t be on the front envelope but should be included in the inside envelope (Or maybe it was the invite itself.  I’ve already forgotten.).  If the child is a male then his title is Master.  As in, “Master Riggins Newell.”  What the hell?  Master?  Seriously?  Am I the only one that feels uncomfortable with this rule?

It made me start thinking of the other manners I follow that are no longer popular or even known.  I wanted to share them with you.

  • Don’t Slurp Your Soup – Slurping shouldn’t really be an issue unless you dine with neanderthals.  Still there is a proper way to eat soup.  “As little ships go out to sea / I dip my spoon AWAY from me” (I didn’t actually know this little rhyme before my in-depth research for this post.  When I say in-depth I mean use of Google and assumption that when discussing manners on the internet majority rules.).  This means scoop the soup with your spoon away from you.  I do try to do this whenever I eat soup but honestly sometimes only have the energy to pull it off when with company.  Additionally, soup at my home is often served in a Tinkerbell mug making a spoon and any rules about it, no longer necessary. 
  • Gift Me Or Else – This rule is one where when it isn’t observed I wince a little on the inside but can’t really hold it against the culprit.  She probably has no idea it is bad manners and is just trying to make your life easier.  Good intentions do not equal good manners.  When sending invitations for an event, wedding, baby shower, bridal shower, etc. it is considered bad manners to list where the guest of honor is registered.  Don’t try to out wit this rule by placing this tidbit of information on an insert.  That insert is still inside the invite so still counts.  Technically it looks like the guest of honor is not only expecting a gift but have mandated where it should come from and what it is.  When put this way you can see how it would be considered uncouth.  Right?  Instead the guest of honor should have told host, close girlfriend (maid of honor for example) and family (mother for example) where she is registered.  Then it is up to the guest to ask for this information if it is wanted.  On the flip side if the invite asks for no gifts it is considered rude to bring one.  Can’t win can you?  Giving a gift at a social gathering when you were specifically told not to only causes the other guests to be uncomfortable, wondering if they should have done the same, but also the host who is looking out for the happiness of all her guests.  If you would still like to give your friend a gift it is fine it just needs to be done at a different time and place.  Just think of it this way, you get to give a gift, your friend gets a gift, plus you now get to spend more one on one time with the friend you love!
  • Stop Ruining Good Wine-ing.  Wine glasses come in all shape and sizes but one hour of television where the characters are drinking it proves that not many know how to hold their wine glasses correctly.  Wine glasses should be held by the stem so that your body heat doesn’t warm the liquid and therefore change the taste of the wine.  Although most important when drinking wine served chilled, like white and champagne, this is actually true for all types and colors.  It seems a little ackward at first but you look so much fancier getting drunk this way!  Here’s the rub if you come to my house.  I use stemless wine glasses.  It’s almost like I’m mocking my guests isn’t it?  While we are on the subject of wine can I point out that there is a very small chance you should ever send back a bottle that you have ordered.  You should only send it back if the wine has turned which should be painfully obvious to your nose once you get anywhere near the cork.  Those folks that swish the wine around and make a production out of tasting it then nodding their head in appreciation are weirdo snobs.  Smell the cork.  If it doesn’t smell like death you are good to go. 
  • I’m Done.  Turns out I’ve been doing this one all wrong.  When finished with my meal at a restaurant I have always signaled to the waiter that I’m ready for him to clear my plate by putting my folk and knife down on my plate in an X.  It usually worked so I was shocked to discover, during my in-depth research, that most people would consider this impolite.  Apparently I’m a barbarian.  Instead the more common suggestion is to lay the fork and knife side by side across the plate at 10 and 4 o’clock.  Tines facing up or down is still very much up for debate.  I think from now on when I’m finished with my meal I’ll dramatically throw knife and fork to the ground, raise my arms in an Evita pose, and yell, “I’ve finished.  Take all this away now my minions.”  That should be pretty clear.

Unfortunately, or fortunately depending how you look at it, hard-core written in stonephoto (7) manners have been fading away.  You can take everything I’ve said above and find at least one person who says the opposite online.  The internet gods will let anyone post on the world-wide web without checking their facts.  So it’s your turn.  What do others do that make you silently cringe inside knowing that they were obviously raised by wolves?  Personally I can use all the help I can get.  After all at my house feeding Riggins from your folk isn’t considered bad manners it’s considered good sharing!

Lesson in Failure

27 Sunday Jan 2013

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Before I dive into how I failed let’s start on a positive note.  Look who read my post (https://wendyandriggins.wordpress.com/2013/01/25/beautiful-inside-and-out/) and responded!  Well her or someone with access to her Twitter account.62314_10200476591017263_1938208159_n (2)

That’s right!  Ann freakin’ Curry.  Isn’t that exciting?  It made me giddy!  Her response reminds me that I sent Dr. Drew a link to a post where I not only talk about him but told you ‘all to subscribe to his podcast (https://wendyandriggins.wordpress.com/2013/01/17/the-best-medicine/).  That’s worth a shout out by him right?  Just a tiny one?  Fine.  I’m done with him.  … … … Oh who am I kidding?  I still love him!  He is a lickable dreamcicle with a creamy center made of logic and medically sound advice.  Despite his shunning me I will continue to believe everything he says without question.

Now back to the topic at hand and why you tuned into this broadcast — to hear about my failure.  Well my friend last night was a homemaker/crafter disaster zone in my house.  It was only a matter of time before Pinterest wronged me.  I had such a good record happening and the run was bound to end at some point (read about successes https://wendyandriggins.wordpress.com/2013/01/21/if-i-can-do-it-you-can/.  Speaking of successes I made this the other day and it was delicious – http://skinnyms.com/slow-cooker-macaroni-and-cheese/.)  Last night I decided to make my mom a birthday cake.  Easy enough right?  Wrong.  I was smart enough not to make the entire thing from scratch and instead went for the cake mix + can of soda technique.  I’ve made cake this way before so I know it works.  Not to mention I was experiencing an extreme headache due to caffeine withdrawal and this gave me an excuse to buy a six-pack of delicious caffeine rich soda.  It just taste like chocolate cake with a kick of diet coke.  It isn’t the real southern soda cake, which includes a long and tedious list of ingredients (well to me it is long), but instead the So. Cal fake version.  I DID decide I was going to make the coke glaze to put over it (recipe here – http://mayflaum.com/2011/06/08/the-chocolate-cola-cake/).  That was my first fatal mistake!

Now while I was in the grocery story I did glance over at the unsweetened cocoa powder that the recipe calls for.  4+ bucks.  Are they insane?  I’m not paying 4+ bucks for something I need 1/4 of a cup of.  Now I realize to you 4+ bucks may not seem like a lot but let’s remember I’m unemployed with zero income.  I had regular cocoa at home.  I’d make that work.  Mistake number two.  Liquid sugar.  That’s what I made.

In my attempt to make up for the sweetness my cocoa was adding I didn’t include as much confectioners’ sugar.  It seemed so logical at the time.  Looking back, mistake number three.  I just made really watery liquid sugar.

For some reason when I poured the cake into the suggested pan size it seemed like the cake was going to be more of a flat bread since the batter barely covered the bottom.  No worries.  I’m smart remember?  I just shoved the cake from that pan into a nice small 8×8 one.  Mistake number four.  The cake was 1/2 the size which meant I had twice as much liquid sugar.  I mean glaze.  Twice as much glaze (it soooooo wasn’t glaze).

Finally when the cake came out I didn’t pop it out of its pan and onto a cooling tray where any extra sugar-water could artistically drip down the sides.  Not that I own a cooling tray.  Nah.  I just poured that concoction right over the top of the cake and watched as it quickly drizzled and then ran and then pooled down the sides between the cake and the pan.  Mistake number … I’ve lost count.

Because I’m a genius who deserves a treat I waited a bit and cut myself a big ol’ slice.  Admittedly it didn’t look right or at least nothing like the picture.  In fact it didn’t seem to have any glaze on it at all.  Once I cut into it the whole thing seemed a bit goopy, which was odd because the cake was definitely well cooked.  After 1 bite I realized all the glaze — ALL OF IT — was now soaked and soaking the bottom of the cake.  My lovely birthday surprise for my mom was now essentially a diabetic inducing chocolate bread pudding.  Blah!  Looking back all my mistakes seem obvious.  At the time I was oblivious to my own stupidity.

In between cake cooking, eating, and gagging I was attempting to make her a beaded bracelet.  This should have taken me all of 15 minutes.  Instead I strung all the beads only to realize it was way to big so took off most of the beads to start over (there was a fancy charm in the middle so it had to be centered).  Then I made the entire thing only to realize, as I tried to put it on, that I had used two different size clasps on each end.  So I cut the wire and started again from the beginning.  After remaking the entire thing I was thrilled to have it completed only to realize I put a jump ring (which I hate doing as I’m no good at it so was reeeeeaaaaallly careful to do it well) on the center charm (this allows the charm to fall the correct direction) when it wasn’t needed.  That means the center fancy charm would always hang sideways.  I was done.  I added it to my present as is.  I told my mom I’d be happy to remake it once it started to bother her but it wasn’t going to happen last night!

Finally I decided to fold a pocket in the wrapping paper to store my Mom’s card (like this – http://navybeanonline.blogspot.com/2010/03/how-to-make-pocket-wrapping-paper.html).  Not hard right?  Apparently difficult for me.  It took me waaaaayyyy too long to make a silly little fold.  The first piece of wrapping paper fought me and then ended up being too small.  The second piece of paper I finally got to work and then realized the “pocket” was too deep.  I used it anyway.

I gave it all up and went to bed.  Sometimes that is just the right answer!

 

Taste Like Chicken

24 Thursday Jan 2013

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I was in a car with co-workers once and somehow the conversation lead me to the following comment, “When you are in a packed elevator do you ever look around and decide who you’d eat first if you got stuck in there for a really long time.” I think those people are still afraid of me.

Don’t look at me like that. I wouldn’t kill someone but if I was stuck somewhere, like an elevator, for an extremely long time and someone just happened to die of starvation, I’m not against looking to his carcass for a source of protein. I did hear somewhere that eating human can sometimes carry some sort of horrible brain disease. I think I learned that on the show Oddities. I suppose it would be safer cooked. I don’t know how I’m going to safely start a fire in an elevator. We’d have to assume something really bad went down to trap us their for so long. Some sort of end of human race event that caused everyone outside that elevator to perish. Hmmmmm. That reminds me of a book I recently finished, The Dog Stars (http://www.amazon.com/Dog-Stars-Peter-Heller/dp/0307959945. It got great reviews but honestly I didn’t love it. A plague kills off most of the human race and small gangs of survivors do what the have to, to survive. The lead character made people jerky. To his credit he only fed that to his dog but that’s an idea. I wonder if eating jerky is safer than uncooked? Can you make jerky in an elevator? I bet that would smell horrible. Although a dead dude stuck in an enclosed space with you is eventually going to start smelling too. I guess I haven’t really thought this through.

Oh stop pretending I’m freaking you out. Sitting there all high and mighty behind your computer screen thinking, “I’d never eat a person.” You know what I say? Never say photo (5)never. You think that poor rugby team thought they’d be chowing down on their friends/family to stay alive after a horrific plane crash? You don’t know what you’d do for survival if out of options. For example, I can say I’d never dive into a dumpster behind a sushi restaurant (I hate sushi) and eat up but if there was some sort of deadly disease spreading across the planet and they discovered the only cure was a type of mold that grows on decaying raw fish and chopsticks but is only strong enough to work if eaten directly from the dumpster, I’d be diving in head first!

If I died of natural causes and your only chance of survival was to chomp down on my thigh I’d be okay with it. I’m dead what do I care? I’m an organ donor after all (as everyone should be) that’s just really stepping it up a couple notches. If, in my death, I can save you then go for it. No need to thank me.

Don’t even suggest I eat Riggins. That’s disgusting. I’d rather die.

If I Can Do It You Can!

21 Monday Jan 2013

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photo (3) That would be the name of my Food Channel program if I was a host, “If I Can Do It You Can!” I’m the first to admit I’m not a candidate for Top Chef. The problem with cooking is I’m not great at it, its boring, and clean up is a pain in the bum. If an ingredient needs prepping (ex. carrots cleaned, skinned, and cut) you can guarantee that the last 1/4 of it is going to be handed to Riggins just to get rid of it. I’m the queen of the short cut. Why cook chicken when my corner Ralph’s makes a great roasted chicken already cooked and ready to go? If you can find something pre measured and boxed or already 1/2 completed I’m going to use it. Mom didn’t raise a fool. Unfortunately, I’m on a budget so as I tighten my belt I’ve made an attempt to be more open-minded about cooking (gasp) from scratch.

Pinterest has become my go to for recipes. (https://pinterest.com/wendylnewell) Which recipes I choose to actually attempt to make has to go through the following checklist:
* Can I read the list of ingredients without falling asleep (aka not a long list)?
* Do I understand all of the cooking terms (I’ve looked up sear before so this really limits what I can make)?
* Do I have all the ingredients and if I don’t do I know what they are and approximately where they are in the store (this has been a real problem with trying to find dog biscuit recipes)?
* Is it healthy (this doesn’t apply to most desserts)?
* Is it Wendy stomach compatible (my stomach hates a large list of foods)?
I thought I’d share those recipes I’ve made and are worth you giving them a shot. I’ll let you know if I’ve substituted anything in case I’m coming over for dinner and you want to make sure I’ll eat it. One of my friends, who is a much better cook than I am, told me the first time she makes something she won’t do any substitutions sticking to the recipe so she knows what it should taste like. Isn’t that smart? I don’t do that. I also feel like I should warn you that I have the sophisticated palate of a 14-year-old boy. The blander the better! You may want to add more spices and such …

COWBOY CAVIAR – http://www.tipjunkie.com/all-crafts/ripening-avocados-recipe/
Move over guacamole (I love guac so much that this is really hard for me to type) there is a new dip in town! There are a zillion different versions of Cowboy Caviar on Pinterest but I found the easiest! I strongly dislike the name of this dish so from now on it will be called Wendy’s Famous Dip. It is crazy good. On top of that leftovers work well as the guts of a veggie burrito! There won’t be leftovers so I suggest putting some of the deliciousness in another container and sticking it in the back of the fridge just for you.
My Changes – No red onion. No cilantro. Added green onion (is that what you call the long skinny green stalk like things that have a tiny little white bulb at the end? — you know what I mean. I added that thing).

BANANA ICE CREAM – http://www.cometogetherkids.com/2012/05/banana-ice-cream-made-from-bananas-only.html
I honestly don’t know why every parent on this planet doesn’t have bananas stocked in their freezer at all times. If you freeze bananas and then put them in the food processor (this woman’s insane. Blender won’t work. If you don’t have a food processor go to Target and get a cheap one) you get banana soft serve ice cream. Okay you and I know it isn’t ice cream but you know who doesn’t? EVERYONE WHO EATS IT. It really is magic.
My changes – I don’t like bananas. The texture, taste, really everything makes me want to gag. So I cover that taste up with a scoop of peanut butter and some coco powder. In reality anything can be added to change-up the flavor a bit. Also this woman spent way too much time cutting these bananas up. You are going to put them in a food processor after all. Just chop them into chunky pieces and freeze. I put each in its own plastic bag so I know how much is one banana.

SHREDDED CHICKEN – http://dashingdish.com/recipe/the-easiest-shredded-crockpot-chicken/
I can’t digest red meat (this is as tragic as it sounds as steak is delicious) and don’t like fish so chicken is my go to protein. When I had a job I’d buy one of those pre cooked whole chickens and then peel off what I needed during the week to add to dishes. I had to find a way to do it cheaper but cooking chicken scares me. I’m afraid it’s going to be undercooked and kill me or I’ll cross contaminate and the next time a cut up an apple it will kill me. I found this recipe and thought I’d give it a shot. YOU GUYS IT TOTALLY WORKS. I was in awe as I was easily able to shred my cooked chicken breast. Honestly I had no faith in it at all. I now have a tupperware of shredded chicken in my fridge to grab when needed!
My changes – I didn’t have chicken broth. Believe it or not this is actually odd. I normally have left over chicken broth in my fridge at all times (not kidding). Now that I needed it I didn’t have it. I substituted that for one cup of water and one cup of white wine. For “spices” I grabbed a bottle of mixed spices called California Garlic Mix (or something like that). I’m sure chicken broth would be better but this is pretty dang good!

NUTELLA BROWNIES – http://www.motherthyme.com/2011/08/nutella-brownies.html
Did you know that you can make brownies from scratch and don’t have to use a box? I was shocked too. These are pretty tasty! I did try to cheat and mix by hand but after a while gave up and brought out the mixer. Probably a good idea.
My changes – I don’t like egg yolks so any recipe that calls for eggs is going to have the equivalent of egg whites instead. I wasn’t happy with the amount of sugar so put in 1/2 a cup and then 1 cup of applesauce. My butter was salted because that’s what I had (it’s shocking I actually had butter and didn’t use margarine but I had some left over from Xmas treat making). Finally I sprinkled powdered sugar on top because I’m fancy like that.

NUTELLA COOKIES – http://kirbiecravings.com/2011/09/three-ingredient-nutella-cookies.html
You had me at three ingredients. I’ve made these a couple of times and they are a good cookie to stick in a container and the fridge so you have a sweet (but not to sweet) treat to end your day with.
My changes – Once again egg whites instead of eggs. I also added a cup-ish of oats (because oats are delicious) to my second batch so it’s now a four ingredient recipe.

BANANA OATMEAL CUPS – http://greenlitebites.com/2009/03/07/banana-oatmeal-cups-with-chocolate-chips/
This woman is overselling these things a bit but I do like them. Warning they are DENSE so really are a breakfast dish. My love for oats overpowered my dislike of banana in these.
My changes – Do I need to say the egg white thing again? I didn’t have chocolate chips just hanging around (who does) so grabbed a small handful of chocolate melts (because it makes MUCH more sense that I had those lying around) and chopped them up into pieces.

CRISPY BALLS – http://monimeals.com/blog/crispy-balls/
Ha ha ha! I said balls! Ha ha ha (14-year-old). I can’t put into words how good these are! The best thing about making desserts is that I know what is in them and it disgusts me which means I am not tempted to eat them. I ate these. Yum yum yum! Seriously if you are going to make anything on this list make this (or the Wendy’s Famous Dip).
My changes – I used caramels from Trader Joes instead of Kraft caramels. I was at Trader Joes and theirs are bigger which means less to unwrap so really a no brainer. Even with that extra help I don’t think I used as much as the recipe calls for because I was sick of unwrapping.

CHOCOLATE CINNAMON PRETZELS – http://www.yourcupofcake.com/2011/02/white-chocolate-cinnamon-pretzels.html
These are easy to make. That’s really all I have to say about them. People did really like them but I wasn’t blown away.
My changes – One batch I made with milk chocolate vs. white simply because it worked better for my presentation. One batch I used coconut oil and one olive oil. Both worked. I also spent a large amount of my time googling “cinnamon sugar” to try to figure out if it was different from just a mixture of sugar and cinnamon. It isn’t. I don’t know why they just wouldn’t say that. Cooking snobs.

BITE SIZE PARTY BARK – http://happyhourprojects.com/2012/08/bite-sized-party-bark.html
These are easy to make, pretty and don’t cause much of a mess. Sold! They also look impressive so they get an extra star for that.
My changes – I didn’t use chocolate chips. Really how much sugar do you need people? I have no idea what Vanilla Candiquik is. I used white chocolate melts. I was using a snowflake mold but it was a treat for a New Year dinner so I added colorful sprinkles and called them white chocolate fireworks. No one was fooled. Finally I subed walnuts for peanuts because I had them.

APPLE PANCAKES – http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/the-chew/recipes/Carla-Hall-Fried-Apple-Pancake-Rings
These are delicious. I really liked them more than I expected. I’ve made them twice once for a party and once for my family for breakfast during the holidays. Don’t make them for a party. That was actually kind of dumb of me. They taste better hot and don’t travel and sit on a party chip table well. It would also have made my life a lot easier if I had an apple corer. But I don’t.
My changes – Ummmm … everything. I bought pancake mix, added water, and dipped the apple rounds in them and cooked them like normal pancakes. Then, because I’m lazy and didn’t want to make the sauce, I added powder sugar and called it a meal!

BAKED SWEET AND SOUR CHICKEN – http://life-as-a-lofthouse.blogspot.com/2010/09/baked-sweet-and-sour-chicken-with-fried.html
This stuff is pretty tasty! I can see that it would be a winner as a family dinner dish. I’m incapable of cutting down a recipe to accommodate just little ol’ me so when I made this I ate it for dinner for over a week. It got old after night 4 but before that I was semi amazed that I had made something so yummy.
My changes – I didn’t make the fried rice. I made a rice but it wasn’t this rice. That egg white thing. I changed canola oil to olive oil. Once again the amount of sugar scared me although now that I’m looking at it again it doesn’t seem like that much. I think I may have read it as 3-4 cups instead of 3/4 of a cup. Whatever. I used 1/2 the sugar (whatever I thought it was) and 1 cup of apple sauce.

There you go! If you have a Pinterest pin that passes everything on my checklist please share!

Happy cooking (and cutting and cleaning — sigh it’s already too much).