Tag Archives: crazy talk

Welcome to Creepville

18 Monday Jan 2010

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Please enjoy the fabulously freaky email I received from a socially inept match.com guy:

You may know me, but I know you. When you were younger you were different from the others around you. You were observant. You’d silently take in a situation and notice things about the people in your presence. Your intuition is strong. You are very caring and honest, sometimes even too much so, but you have great difficulty in letting anybody get to know you. When you finally do let somebody in, you keep him or her close to you for a long time. In fact, there’s someone close to you that you’re really worried about right now. But the best thing to do is to keep being a positive force in that person’s life. Sometimes you’re over analytic, but it’s better to try to live spontaneously. You have a scar on your left knee. Your eyes are very magical, very mystical, very psychic. So how do you see your future?

Enjoy my response:

So with that creepy email are you just betting on the fact that the gal in question has a scar on her knee? I mean it is probably a good chance so it has to work at least 10% of the time. I bet you can knock out those emails pretty quickly making that a good enough turn around to make you think that odd way of connecting works. Luckily I am “different than the others around me” and just see it for what it is … freaky. Stop it before someone “reports a concern” (aka you) to match.com.

Sent From Where?

22 Tuesday Dec 2009

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When I send messages via my iPhone there is a templatized sign off that says “Sent from my iPhone.” Some people choose to take that message off. Probably to try and fool their boss into thinking they are at their desk working vs. off shopping or something equally as non-worky. I choose to leave it on. The main reason is my lack of skill on the mini iPhone keyboard is shocking. That paired with my lack of spelling skills equals nothin’ but pure email comedy. If you don’t know, the iPhone will often try and predict what word you are typing and if you aren’t paying close attention (and I never am) then your message is often littered with odd nonsensical words. The ending message, that I am typing and sending the email by phone (vs a human sized keyboard and computer), gives my readers the security that I’m not having a stroke but instead they need to do some iPhone to human translation.

My super creative friend Martha has revised her ending message to say, “sent from my bra.” HA! HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE THAT? I giggle every single time I read it. I’m angry that I can’t do something equally fun and creative since I often use my iPhone to write work messages. Of course Martha uses her iPhone email for work and yet, somehow, it seems totally acceptable when coming from her!

What would my email sign off be if I was as creative and free as Martha?

* Sent from your butt.
* Sent from my butt.
* Sent from the middle ring (of the three available).
* Translated from Riggins thoughts.
* Sent from deep within the Rabbit’s hole.
* Sent while climbing a crazy large beanstalk.
* Sent from a yet to be named planet.
* Sent from A Beautiful Mind.
* Sent from a keyboard designed for fairies and small elves.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

He is NOT a Lab. Take that back.

08 Thursday Oct 2009

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I’ve posted a number of online dating tips up for the guys. Here is one for the ladies — “On a first date tone down the crazy.” I realize that isn’t specific enough to really help you or those wacky single ladies in your life but it is hard to be more specific. After all we each have our own level (some are mighty high) and tone of crazy.

Mine is easy to diagnose. If I want a higher probability of seeing a second date I have to lay off the Riggins talk. This is MUCH harder than it sounds. After all I adore him more than any other living creature on this planet. He also takes up about 80%-90% of the pictures on my iPhone. It’s hard to get around it. I’m a bit dog crazy (admitting it is the first step). If I had my way it’s ALL I’d talk about on a date. And frankly I don’t want to hear my dates wacky pet stories (especially if they involve cats). I want to do all the talking and I want it to be all Riggins. See … that is “crazy”. During a first date I have to consciously NOT bring up the dog every 30 seconds.

Here is what is brilliant about this. Inevitably there will be a date I’m on that within a few minutes I’ve made the decision I NEVER want to see this person again. So I take all that stored up crazy from other times and LET IT LOOSE! You know a date with me is going south when I make you look at approximately 20 pictures of Riggins on my iPhone, fight (which has to includes screaming) that he is NOT a lab and demand you take it back, only talk about things I do with Riggins and talk about my plans to open dog friendly bars and gyms so I never have to be without him.
So although I hide crazy (aka my real self) I occasionally get to have it come out to play!

I’m Busy Writing "FRIEND" in Glow Tape on my Roof

25 Tuesday Aug 2009

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Here’s my thought … they are coming. I think all the signs are here. Alien life is seconds from crash landing on our little planet and I’m doing everything I can to let them know I’m “friend not food”.

My love for Star Trek along with other alien media can be a bit confusing but those who know me understand I’m not afraid of Worf (in fact he’s cute out of make up —http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Dorn) but the REAL aliens (finding the link to that has caused me to start hyperventilating). You know what I mean. The oval head, big eyed, orifice probing freaky mean ol’ aliens. Like Fire in the Sky aliens. AAAAAH. I will now not be able to sleep just because I said that movie title out loud. I wish I was kidding. Whoever added the “based on a true story” to that movie should be drug into the desert by his toenails and left for dead.

This summer there have been more signs to what the real aliens look like and I’m not going to lie. I’m not happy. Based on District 9, Avatar, and Old Man’s War (okay that is a book that has been out for awhile but I just read it so totally counts) the big eyes are still in. NOT OKAY. BIG FREAK SOUL STEALING EYES ARE NOT COOL (The Old Man’s War aliens aren’t so much aliens and have cat eyes but since it is a book not a movie I’m going with the visual in my head). I’m going to throw out the cockroach look of the District 9 aliens because let’s face it , that’s just silly. BUT based on my other two media sources, and why would they lie, aliens will have freaky colored skin. Blue, green, what does it matter. It isn’t flesh colored and that creeps me out.

So in case it is time I have the following ready (all based on my media based research):

*bag of Reeses Pieces (you never know)
*water (You bet ‘cha I’m going to try it. First alien near me is getting a mug full of water just in case that works.)
*comfy traveling clothes and extra leash for Riggins in case we have to take a ride up, up, and away
*words to “Earth Girls Are Easy”

FRIEND NOT FOOD