Author Archives: wendynewell

I STILL Love Shampoo

10 Thursday Apr 2014

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Lester not enjoying being clean.

Lester not enjoying being clean.

Remember that one time when I tried to go “poo-less?”  No?  I’ll give you time to go back and re-read (link here).  I still have nightmares.  I fell like I’ve been hearing more about the idea that you don’t need to use soap to be clean and, instead, let your body self regulate.  I don’t need to be that natural.  No one needs to be that natural.  I hate to break it to you but people are animals and do you know what happens to unwashed animals?  They stink!

I feel like those that demand they can go without shampoo have never washed a dog.  Every time I lather up one of the pups that is staying with me I’m AMAZED at how

Maisie not enjoying being clean.

Maisie not enjoying being clean.

disgusting they are.  As far as I’m concerned that’s all the proof I need.  I’ll push, shove, beg, coerce the dog into the shower and then rinse him off.  The water coming off the dog seems relatively clean and the whole time I’m thinking, “Wow.  This isn’t bad.  Maybe he wasn’t that dirty after all.”  THEN I add shampoo and after a good scrub my second rinse is a different story.  It’s a mud slide of filth coming off that mutt.  It’s amazing the difference between just plain “rinsing off” and actual “scrubbing off.”  I figure if it’s true for a dog it’s gotta be true for me.

Now I admit a dog has fur and I have hair but is it really all that different?  No.  Filth is filth.  Of course I’m not as disgusting as the dogs.  It’s not like I see a dead decaying critter and think, “Man I gotta get that smell all over me.” and go rub my head all over

Hank not enjoying being clean.

Hank not enjoying being clean.

the death and dirt.  I don’t pee on myself nor do my friends pee on me.  In general I shy away from rolling around on the ground.  BUT the fact still remains that you get cleaner with soap then without it.

I suppose it is drying and harmful in other ways but that is why you use moisturizer.  I’m the QUEEN of lotion.  I can guarantee I put way more soothing creme on my body than you do.  That’s a topic for another blog.  For now I just need you to know that I support the use of shampoo and based on my very detailed and scientific research of dog washing I think you should too!

Proof I’m Old

09 Wednesday Apr 2014

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photo 1 (32)3-5 times a week I drive into old Pasadena, park in one of the public parking garages and walk to the Bar Method Studio for class.  I have timed it perfectly so I’m parked there for less than 90 minutes, which means my car’s stay in the lot is free.   Every time I enter the garage I look at the cost for parking and shake my head.  Not because of the cost but because of my memory of the cost.

Years ago if you would have asked me how much it cost to park at one of the public garages in old town Pasadena my answer would have been $5.  If there were a couple people in the car the cost was $2.50 each.  4 people, $1.25 each.  Unless, of course, you didn’t make the driver pay since he/she was already paying for gas.  Wherever the many came from it was going to have to equal $5.  If this is true then tell me how I’m managing to get out of there for free now?  Well …. because it is a $5 flat rate after 10:00 PM.  Apparently that is all the cost information I required at the time.  That  means, at one point of my life, I only went to Pasadena after 10:00 PM.   Now if I’m not brushing my teeth at that time it’s because I’ve already been asleep for a good 1/2 an hour.

That’s how I know I’m old.

(Please enjoy a few pics from my 40th birthday celebration … more proof I’m old.)

(Wanna know how to make those classy headbands in those pics?  Check out this blog post.)

photo 2 (33)

 

 

Lights Camera … Wait Who Owns that Dog?

08 Tuesday Apr 2014

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photo 3 (24)Have I told you about my disdain for film crews?  It is absolutely irrational how irate I get at having to be put off by on-site  filming.  An event that happens quite often living in Los Angeles.  A normal person would take it with a grain a salt and just go about their business and/or be excited at a possible glimpse at a celebrity.  Not me.  I see those big white movie trailers parked in an area I’m headed to and I start to get all red with steam coming out of my ears.  I don’t know why.  Maybe it is jealousy.  I’m jealous that they get to be doing their fun job while I am not.  More than not though I think it is the fact that I’ve come up against many an actor/crew member who feels entitled by their position.  I don’t do well with those type of folks.

At one point in my college life I did extra work during my school breaks.  Because of my age I mostly was background where “over 18 to look younger” was needed.  If you want to come face to face with entitled actors TV series that feature teenagers is a pretty good place to start.  More than once I had to sit around in short shorts and a crop top freezing my ass off while someone had to convince the lead actress to shrug off her big warm jacket to do her scene.  You know it’s bad when the crew starts asking if you are okay and mention that you are starting to turn blue.  I soon learned that my “acting” skill wasn’t really needed in this specific setting and learned to do the minimal amount of work possible.  Most of what you do “on set” as an extra is sit around and wait.  Due to boredom I sometimes missed out on the getting up and moving part.  I was once asked if I could at least read my book inside the shot.  A quick shrug and I mosied on over to some steps where the lead actors where going to be, plopped down, and got back to reading.

I was on a set of a TV show where the lead male actor was such a cocky ass that I managed to get caught making fun of him.  I was taken off camera that day.  But not off set!  I got to sit next to the bagels and eat, read and get paid for it.  Since no one really knew who I was it didn’t hurt my working on more sets either.  There was always a need for the “over 18 to look younger.”

What is worse than the studio productions are the independent ones.  The ones that are shooting on the fly, without permits, and with minimal crew.  I once almost killed myself and some dude holding a mic by the LA River.  They were filming some period piece on the bike path and as I turned a blind corner (on my bike) the crew guy came running down a bank right in front of me.  There is film somewhere that shows a biker from the future (aka me) screaming and cursing bloody murder at everyone on and off camera.

photo 1 (31)Just a couple of years ago I was in NY and late for a meeting.  I was power walking down the street only to get stopped by a “studio cop” who was holding  up foot traffic to film some scene from some TV series.  “Hellz no!” I thought.  Granted I was in a bad place right that moment in my life but the last thing I needed was to be even later for a meeting.  In my mind I was working like a dog and I wasn’t going to let some TV series tell me what to do.  I walked through.  I heard someone yell cut and like you would expect from good NYers had a number of people follow my rebellious ways.

Today Riggins and I headed to Griffith Park for a fun hike.  My plan was to park near the start of Fern Dell to take the fun little path up to the cafe then continue up to the observatory.  Of course my plan went to hell in a handbag as soon as I saw a zillion white trailers and orange cones.  They were filming.  Damn it!  Despite the fact that they felt like they could take up 90% of parking at Griffith Park I was able to find a spot for my car.  My anger subsided as I had a gay ol’ time with my buddy Riggins and didn’t even remember I hated these people until it was time to get back in the car to leave.  At that point I went up to the GIANT parking lot to turn around.  There is no way they could take up the ENTIRE PARKING LOT.   I was wrong.  There was no one to be seen but one lonely traffic directing woman who thought she was all that AND a slice of bread.  She stood in front of my car frantically giving me the STOP sign.  I pulled up and rolled down my window telling her I was just turning around.  She was not okay with this and started to go crazy.  Luckily I was in a car and all I had to do was roll up my window and drive around her.  Then I turned around, drove by her again as she glared angrily at me, and headed on my way.  Now explain to me why I couldn’t turn around right there when they were filming a good 1/2 mile further down the street?  This is just where the crew was supposed to park and even then the lot was nowhere near full?  THAT is why I dislike these  people.  You aren’t that important.  Seriously.  You just aren’t.  There is absolutely no reason you need to act like you are guarding the President of the United States.  Riggins cares way more about your craft service table than anything else and I care about nothin’.

Here is my theory on how on site filming could make things better.

photo 2 (32)1. Stop being entitled asshats.

2. Give something back to the people you are putting off.  If it is a movie you are filming give out free tickets to a screening.  You can even make it a test screening for you if you want to get something out of it.  Frankly most won’t even show up but it is the thought that counts.  TV folks?  Give away anything.  At a hiking spot?  Give away bottled water with your logo.  Anything to show you appreciate the fact that you are in someone else’s space.  Even if you are paying the city to be in that space … acknowledge the individual.

3.  Don’t take up all the parking.  It’s already a pain in the ass to park in LA.  You are already busing some folks to and from their cars would it hurt  you to drive a little further?

4.  Don’t be angry when I screw up your shot because you have pissed me off.  I can’t control myself.  I just get so enraged.

I know all folks in the “business” aren’t bad.  After all I have many friends who work in it and I love them dearly.  Don’t get me wrong though.  If their filming gets in my way Riggins and I are walking right through their shot.  Look for us the next time you watch your favorite TV show.

Graham Crackers for Breakfast

07 Monday Apr 2014

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photo 2 (31) - CopyI recently had a phone interview for a job and was asked about my social media background.  It’s a question that causes me to get emotionally passionate fast!  I usually have to add a “Wendy filter” as to not scare people.  (A “Wendy filter” helps bring the level of Wendy-ism you are receiving down to a more “normal person” style of discussion and interaction.)  Having spent over a year of my working career trying to explain the importance of accepting and utilizing the “new” media (aka hitting my head against the wall) I’m always so excited when someone does it right.  Welcome Honey Maid as the newest example.

If you spend any amount of time online in any social site you already know that Honey Maid ran a commercial that was all-inclusive to multiple types of families.  The tag line “This is Wholesome”included families enjoying their tasty graham cracker treats.  Of course there was the “gasp” two dad family, the “gasp again” biracial family, the “no real need to gasp” military family, and the “not worth a gasp” tattooed rocker family.  All happily chomping on some honey kissed goodness!  Missed it?  Don’t worry.  Like any company with a good digital media plan they have their own YouTube channel for you to check it out on!

photo 1 (30) - CopyI can only assume that when putting this ad out there they realized they would get comments flooding in from the masses.  If they were smart, and I think they are, they had their “reaction” all ready to go.  After all one of the keys of responding to social media outbursts is to do it fast and keep that snowball building and moving.  Not shocking the ad did a good job of pissing off individuals and groups that get pissed off by this sort of thing (you know who they are, the folks that say we are riding an express train to hell by undoing the fabric of the American family).  When those people get pissed their arch nemesis (like me) get all riled up and start posting support for the brand that was so brave and bold.  All of a sudden their little 30 second ad has given them enormous amounts of attention.

Instead of just letting their Social Media engagement coast to a stop Honey Maid whipped out their response and took it to the next level.  Using the actual social media responses they crafted a response ad that literally held a message of love.  As we have seen in the past a well-played response to social media can actually gain MORE attention for a brand then the original.  This is exactly what happened for Honey Maid.  If you search “Honey Made love” in Google right this second you get “about 98,700,000 results (0.40 seconds).”  This includes national news coverage, individual blogs (like this one), and news outlets outside of the US.  A MUCH bigger audience reach than a traditional 30 second spot would have achieved.

photo 3 (23)Above and beyond the brilliant use of social media the message itself is extremely important.  Even though it isn’t the “right” way to deal with things I’m pretty good at attacking “hate” with more hate.   You tell me a definition of “family” can only be a man and woman (of the same race) with 1 or more children I will tell you to take your stupid mouth and the body it’s attached to and take a hike.  Luckily I don’t run Honey Maid’s digital marketing division as this message isn’t quite as honey golden sweet as “Love” and “This is Wholesome.”

To support Honey Maid’s lovely message (after all I’m quick to boycott those with the opposite message it seems only fair) and brilliant use of the “new” media I purchased a box of those delicious graham crackers.  Then I took a picture of my family and posted it to their Facebook page (my Twitter, Instagram & Studio accounts).  I suggest you do the same.  Let’s support a brand that is this smart!

#SundaySelfie

03 Thursday Apr 2014

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Studios "I'm a Mormon" pack

Studios “I’m a Mormon” pack

As an Atheist I always thought I’d be a kick-ass Religious Study-igst.  What does one do with a major in Religious Studies?  What does one do with a major in Theatre Arts, which I have?  Tomato … tomato as far as I can tell.  I could have been like Robert Langdon tracking down a secret society covering up the truth of the Holy Grail.  His fictional life seems so exciting.  Opportunity missed.  Any who … one of the things that does fascinate me about organised religion is watching how it grows.  While the world is changing fast many religious seem to struggle with how to engage with a younger group of members.  Something that is crucial if the religion is to grow or even survive.  I’ve got something to tell the People’s Pope … LDS are the queens/kings of social/digital engagement.  Mr. Pope (Sr. Pope?  What do you call him?  Poper Popiest Master Popemiester) better start looking for someone to head his digital team ASAP.  May I suggest me?  Oh that’s right … I choose Theatre Arts.

Individuals Studio creations.

Individuals Studio creations.

How do I know LDS is heading to the new media world for help in spreading their message?  I stumble upon them all the time.  Well not all the time, but lately often enough that even this little Atheist couldn’t help but take notice of their presence.  My new favorite photo app is Studio (follow me at @wendylnewell).  It’s a hoot.  You can take a picture and add overlays of words, shapes, pictures, etc.  It allows you to become a designer and then steal other people’s designs!  They call it a “remix” but if you have a public design I like I can copy it with a click of the button.  Oodles of fun.  In the apps “market” you will find “packs” of overlays you can download.  Some are free while some are 99 cents.  I tend to go to the market a lot to see if there are any new dog packs.  Yesterday I was perusing the market and saw the pack titled, “I’m a Mormon – 38 LDS Designs.”  Say what?  Of course I had to open that right up.  It is presented by mormon.org.  It’s unclear if this is a promotion by them or if they have some tie to the app.  I don’t care.  It’s freakin’ brilliant!  The overlay’s include sayings like “#SUNDAYSELFIE,” “He is Risen!,”

Instagram

Instagram

“Choose the Right,” and “I love to see the Temple.”  It looks like this launch was specifically timed to coincide with the LDS general conference weekend.  Yah I don’t know what that is either, but I assume it’s a conference of LDSers.

I had to do a little research and those smartie farties don’t stop there.  They are encouraging all their folks to use social media to spread the word.  This is for anytime but with an emphasis during the conference.  According to the article I read participants are urged to use the hashtag #ldsconf.  Apparently this has worked well in the past and last October (apparently a conference weekend) over 155,000 tweets were posted.  Now imagine being able to add a selfie with a drawing of the temple superimposed next to you.  I know!!!!!  As I said before … freakin’ brilliant.

Twitter

Twitter

LDS doesn’t stop there.  If you go to their site there is actually a couple of pages specifically on social media.  One is focused on how to share the gospel using the new media and the second includes hot tips (they don’t call it that I’m summarizing) including how to be a safe user.  Nice addition LDS!  They also have their own mobile apps.  You never have to be far away from your LDS Music because it’s right there on your iPhone.

According to what I read there was a special broadcast late last year to discuss how the missionaries will be using digital means to help find converts vs. the old school of knocking on doors.  What are comedians all over the US going to do with their Mormon door knocking jokes?  Soon they will be passe.

I’m not saying that other individuals don’t head to social media to spread their personal beliefs what I’m saying is that Mormons have taken it to a new level of organisation and thinking.  As a digital loving Atheist I salute you LDS.  You and whomever you hired to run your digital marketing group.  It’s not changing my mind about my beliefs, but I appreciate your ability to grow with the times and use what’s out there to your advantage.

P.S. the tag #SundaySelfie is brilliant.

 

Dog First

02 Wednesday Apr 2014

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download (3)I recently changed my Instagram (@wnewell) account from private to public.  Since 90% of my pictures are of the dogs I decided I should be kind and share the cuties with the world.  Since doing this I’ve slowly been gaining followers and “likes” from folks I don’t know.  I love to look at everyone’s profile (probably because it is just a few sentences long) and their pictures to learn more about these dog lovers.  In general those download (4)folks that pay attention to my pictures fall into one of two categories:

  1. Dog Lover
  2. Person Who Works Out a Lot

download (1)The dog lover is a no brainer but why the health nuts?  I’m sure it is because all my pictures are tagged with the location we are at so there are a lot of #griffithpark, #runyon, etc. fans.  After tagging a picture I often click on it to see who else was around that day and the pictures they took.  I assume others do the same and that is how people are stumbling upon my dog pictures.

download (2)Anyway, those work out fans often state “God first” in their mini profiles.  Not being someone who looks to God let alone place him as my number one, I tried to translate this into language I could understand (much like when someone says they are praying for me and I translate it to thinking of me/wishing the best for me).  My first thought was that you are putting yourself first.  That downloadworks, “me first.”  Then I decided that sounded too Ayn Rand-ish and I hate Ayn Rand so I changed it to “humanity first.”  That still didn’t really do it justice so I gave up swapped out the d and g and got Dog first!  Bingo!  We have a winner!

Everyone that knows me knows I put Riggins first.  Even when I have all the other dogs with me Riggins gets priority.  He gets to go download (5)in the car first so that he gets “his” spot (behind the passenger seat).  If he wants to come up on to my bed and another dog is in his place everyone has to shuffle around so there is room for Riggins.  He knows what’s up.  He will stand next to the bed patiently waiting until his spot is ready for him.  If he wants to cuddle with me on the sofa I have to move all the other dogs so he download (7)can sit next to and then lie down on me.  He is my baby!  There are a few dogs he will share his space with and honestly sometimes due to lack of space he has no choice.  He is a good sport.

Riggins can be both a cuddle monster and an independent dude depending on what he is feeling in that moment.  I love when he is in cuddle mode.  Who doesn’t love a cuddly dog?  Recently a friend needed download (6)some dogs for her web series and asked if I could be available.  If you need dogs (or dog poop) I’m your gal!  The lead actor announced he didn’t care for one of my dogs (he is a good guy and really loved them all … but not all the same).  One of his reasons why is that she didn’t seem that cuddly.  He was right.  She isn’t much of a cuddlier.  Some dogs aren’t.  Other dogs NEED to be in your lap.  They have to be touching you or snuggling at all times.  Let’s face it as much as I love cuddle mode sometimes I need a break which makes Riggins the perfect pup for me!

Therefore I say … DOG FIRST!

Make Another Choice

01 Tuesday Apr 2014

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(This isn’t going to be a particularly popular post to 90% of my friends.  This is a warning to them.  I’m still a good person … honest.)

photo 3 (21)I’m horrible at improv (that’s when you throw actors up on stage and have them make up a scene on the fly).  I can turn any scene into a crying dramatic piece in approximately 49.5 seconds.  Traditionally improv is supposed to be funny and I’m doing the exact opposite, therefore I fail.  Luckily most theatre classes are like Yoga classes.  No judgement zones. The instructor can’t scream, “What the hell is wrong with you?  Why would you say your baby is dead, your husband drowned in the Titanic, and you have the black death?????”  Instead the instructor will look at you nod and say, “That was a choice.  Make another one.”  Hey you may have failed horribly but give it another shot.

That’s what I want to say to the government in response to the Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare).   Good for you.  Way to make a choice!  Now make another one.

Before I continue let me get it all out in the open.  I really dislike politics.  It makes me insane and because of that I tend to not spend much time digging into the details as it only makes me more furious.  I am not a Republican nor am I a Democrat.  Much to the dismay of my very Los Angeles (aka Democrat) friends I am registered as “no party affiliation.”   Not Independent.  Independent is a party.  “No party affiliation.”  When I made the decision to do that I read up on all the parties and decided I aligned most with the Green Party but that just seemed silly so I ignored that analysis and just shrugged off all those groups.   I have voted for things that both parties support and I have suggested members of both parties are complete morons.  I’m an equal opportunity non-supporter.  I realize this makes many people crazy … it makes me less crazy.

I also HATE insurance.  Since I have worked for companies that tend to change insurances annually I feel like I’ve had and fought with them all.  I was obviously some sort of evil tax collector in a former life because I have horrible insurance karma.  Everything is a fight.  It just doesn’t seem that hard.  Me (and my employer if I have one) give you money monthly then when I need medical help I get it and you pay most of the bills.  HOW IS THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?  A few years back I realized how screwed up the HMO system is when I was denied a test my cardiologist had requested for me.  I really had no idea an insurance company can just say “nope” when a doctor says you need something.  “Nah,” they said, “We will gamble on the fact that you may or may not have a heart attack that could be avoided based on info discovered in this test.  We’ve crunched the numbers.  We are going to roll the dice”  Easy for them to say … it’s not their heart!  For all the BS marketing they do about “wellness” campaigns insurances constantly prove to be “anti-photo 1 (29)wellness” but instead card counting gambling sharks that have gained whale status on our lives.  Speaking of wellness campaigns what brain trust came up with the high deductible insurance idea?  What kind of total bullshit is that?  So I pay you x amount of money a year and then I pay for all my doctor bills until I hit a ridiculously large number and then you take over.  I assume those number crunching gamblers have analyzed the total amount of money each american spends on healthcare per year then adds a few thousand for good luck and that is the deductible they use.  That way the number of people who ACTUALLY have to be paid for under the insurance is as minimal as possible.  Unless I have an emergency I’m paying the insurance company to add up my annual bills.  I have a calculator thank you very much.  I can do the adding up myself.

Mushing politics/government and insurance into one topic is obviously a circle of hell even Dante couldn’t imagine.   Since I am not employed by a company and instead have been paying for COBRA (don’t get me started on COBRA) let me outline my personal issues with the Affordable Care Act.  I realize many of you were not effected by this law/system at all and because of that have no issues with it.  I also realize a few of you had a positive experience.  Write your own blog.  Here is my issues:

* The site is crap.  You heard all about it on the news and I’m here to tell you it is true.  I did the “worksheet” and was super happy that my financial woes, when it came to insurance, was over and then I filled out the site and my cost was the same (or similar enough) to what I was paying for COBRA — aka NOT AFFORDABLE.  Of course to find this out took HOURS of my time since the site kept crashing.  It was infuriating. This is the United States of America home of Apple and Facebook — FIX THE SITE.  FIX IT.  (As of last week I was still having issues with the site so telling me it has been fixed makes you have pants of fire.)

* Prior to Jan 1 I couldn’t even get through the phone line.  It wouldn’t even ring.  After Jan 1 I had to wait over 30 minutes to talk to someone.  This is a RIDICULOUS amount of time.  Hire more people.  HIRE MORE PEOPLE.  You didn’t know you were going to need so many people?  Bullshit.  Get the number crunchers at the insurance companies to help you out with your projected analysis and HIRE MORE PEOPLE.

* Turns out the reason my premium was so high was because I said I had COBRA.  I’m told I misread the question.  Apparently it asked if I have “affordable” healthcare right now.  I have so much to say about this I just can’t … my expensive heart medication can’t take it.

* I could have gotten healthcare for under $100 per month (yah!) if I wanted a 10 million dollar deductible (boo).  Okay it wasn’t actually 10 million dollars but it might as well have been.  This is where I think the Affordable Care Act really missed the mark.  It just isn’t affordable for the people who need it.  Imagine you are one of those people.  You are barely living check to check … if that.  You are trying to get a better job or a job or get help.  You are really trying but it is hell out there right now (believe me it is hell out there right now) so what happens?  The government tells you that you HAVE to have insurance.  You HAVE to have it for your own good.  It’s true.  You would love to have health insurance and certainly you would love your family to have it.  After all you’ve had this nasty cough for a month now and you should probably have it checked out.  You are thrilled to find out that for under $100 you can have insurance.  Praise whatever lord you look to for that sort of thing.  Then you read the policy and understand it has a deductible higher than your rent.  That means if you go to the doctor you have to pay the ENTIRE BILL (granted it will most likely have been negotiated down to the insurance prices but it is still the entire bill).  You will keep paying the entire bill until you hit that crazy high deductible and THEN you have good insurance.  If you don’t have the money for monthly insurance how would you have money to pay for a doctor in the first place.  What the policy is doing is taking away $100/month from your wallet and covering you (minus that large deductible) in case of a health emergency.  It isn’t an Affordable Care Act it’s an Emergency Care Act.

photo 2 (30)Even after all this ranting I did sign up for a policy under Covered California.  It took me a few months to get over the site crashing on me and having to wait to get someone on the phone but I eventually did it.  The policy is not as good as my COBRA but I did choose to pay more monthly and not have a high deductible.  Luckily, unlike others, I had that choice.  I do believe all american’s are entitled to healthcare and I suppose to make that happen the government needs to step in.  I applaud them figuring that much out.  Now they need to make another choice.

(Since you may not be able to afford your anxiety meds here are some pictures of the cutie dogs I’ve been watching this week.  Look at them and meditate peacefully.)

 

Is it Tuesday Yet?

17 Monday Mar 2014

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Riggins

Riggins

I’ve had little to no patience today.  Actually I’ve had no patience and have had to somehow manage to get through the day without a complete and total meltdown.  It’s been tough.  I’ve been on the verge of crying, screaming, or kicking for the last 16 hours.  I haven’t had to live through anything extraordinary awful or tediously boring or even obnoxiously difficult.  Just Monday and me not getting along.  For example:

There was an earthquake this morning in Los Angeles that was close enough to my alarm time that when it woke me up Riggins decided it was time to eat.  After feeding the dogs and crawling back into bed I figured I’d just turn my alarm off and get up in a couple of minutes.

Asscher

Asscher

Over an hour later I jumped out and ran to the shower.  Of course a dog got dropped off at that moment and I had to go outside in a robe dripping wet to take him off his mom’s hands.

While taking the dogs to Runyon to go hiking I was behind a Prius going a speedy 10-20 miles per hour with a bumper sticker that said, “When Clinton Lied No One Died.”  I really hated that person.  I wanted to ram him/her with my car.  Going that slow on any street in LA let alone Mulholland should be a crime that allows me to hit your car numerous times without guilt nor insurance/criminal/liability fault.  Add that dumbass sticker and really I’m just doing Karma’s work for her.

Dexter

Dexter

What does that sticker even mean?  I don’t understand?  So it’s okay to lie as long as no one dies?  That is really the dumbest thing

ever.  Seriously.  Ever.  Only a lying asshole would think that bumper sticker should be on his/her car.

When hiking with the dogs this leprechaun ran past us with his little green dog.  Green since she was dyed for the holiday.  Yes … he had a dyed green dog.  Vesper (one of the dogs staying with me right now) ran up to play with her and the leprechaun lost his shit.  He jumped between the two dogs screaming.  Apparently little magical dogs aren’t allowed to play at off leash dog

Vesper

Vesper

parks when they have pots of gold to protect.  As he ran past me he screamed, IF YOUR DOG CHARGES HE NEEDS TO BE ON LEASH.  a. Not technically MY dog.  b. She not he.  c. Running toward your dog to play not “charging” d. Your dog is green … zip it.

Coming home I ducked into the “Hollywood sign view” turn out to text doggie parents cute pictures of their babies on our hike.  While sitting there, in a perfectly legal parking spot, a tourist bus pulled in and parked behind me blocking me from leaving.  This may have been on me.  I did turn into a tourist area but one does not expect to be trapped there while folks from the mid-west get their pictures taken in front of giant letters

Tali

Tali

Upon coming home I quickly grabbed my dress I plan to wear for my b-day gathering and rushed it to the dry cleaners only to have them be closed.  Who closes at 7:30 on a Monday night?  My dry cleaners.  That’s who.

As you can see I’m anxious to go to sleep and get started on Tuesday.  Perhaps lots of little things will make me happy instead of wanting to pull my hair out.

PS.  Happy St. Patrick’s Day from the dogs and me.

 

Bare Feet are Gross

12 Wednesday Mar 2014

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Good dogs (don't pee in my house)

Good dogs (don’t pee in my house)

I’m a huge supporter of shoes.  I think I’ve told you before that I believe the barefoot running fad is bullshit.  The “our early ancestors ran barefoot so it is more natural” argument is invalid as soon as you factor in that those folks died when they were in their early twenties.  Perhaps doing everything they did isn’t the best way to live a long, healthy, and productive life.  I’m not a fan of having to take my shoes off to come into your house either.  I’ll do it if it’s “house rules” but I’m not overjoyed about it.  Usually my feet are in no position to be seen au naturel and my outfit has been specifically coordinated to some crazy high heel that makes my Bar Method legs seem inhumanly long.  What is the point of looking Amazonian if you can’t top it off with enormous high heels?  Taking those away from me, especially in a social situation, is like cutting Samson’s hair.

I also don’t like flip-flops (or thongs depending on where you grew up and what you learned to call them).  First of all they are barely even shoes.  Secondly, I can’t stand any shoe that jams something in-between my toes.  It’s horrifically uncomfortable.  Finally, I can’t walk in them.  I shuffle along like a 90-year-old man in the sauna.  I’m just incapable of giving any flip to my flip-flops.  They just drag along behind my toes.  It’s humiliating.

I like real shoes.  Shoes with high heals and closed toes.  Shoes with HUGE cork wedges.  Boots with zippers up the sides.  Sneakers that require you to wear socks.  I don’t do barefoot.  Until recently.  The past few months I’ve spent much of my time in my own house barefoot.  Something I would NEVER have done in the past.  Why?  Two things.  Really it’s one thing but the second thing is added on to make me sound less gross.

1.  I like to be barefoot when I go out back to make sure the cement isn’t too hot for the dogs.  Really this is only necessary when it is sunny — so always.  More than once I’ve had to “hot foot it” back to some shade or the house with the dogs on my heels.  If it hurts my feet it hurts theirs.  Actually they can go a little longer than me but not much.

Now lets face it … that is kinda a bs reason.  It’s a good reason.  It makes me seem like a loving caring dog person but it isn’t REALLY necessary.  It’s just cover up for the real reason …

Good dogs

Good dogs

2.  I can tell when a dog has peed in my house when I step in a wet spot.  Gross.  I know.  It’s gross.  BUT it is so necessary.  You gotta clean up the pee or it gets out of control FAST.  Some of these dogs are ninja pee-ers.  I can go into a room and come to a halt just by smell and scream WHO PEED??????  Sometimes though my sniffer is off and I can’t tell that something has happened.  Then I step in wet.  AAAAHHHHH!  I pause and think …. did I just get out of the shower … is there a logic reason this is wet …. nope.  I get down on all fours and smell than scream.  “GODDAMN IT.  WHICH ONE OF YOU PEED?”  It really sends me into a frenzy.  I hate it.  I grab the spray and a rag and go at it.  Spray spray spray.  Mop mop mop.  Repeat repeat repeat.  Grumbling the entire time until every dog is scared to come near me and cowering in different corners of the house.  Then, of course, I have to rinse off my pee detecting foot in the bathtub.

Luckily none of the pups I’m watching now are indoor peers.  I can safely go put shoes on.

1st Graders Are Scary

11 Tuesday Mar 2014

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downloadI adore my niece (Pre-K) and nephew (K).  They are super duper adorable.  Really I can sit and talk to them for hours.  In general I do a pretty good job of toning down my “adult” language around them but do slip up now and then and have to change an “asshat” to “ass-tonishingly bad man” or “fucking drive your car” to “fu-dgey mc-fudge you are going slow.”   I’m sure my fumbling only causes more attention to my words.  I’m really good at using silly sayings I use with the dogs like “shake a tail feather” or “hold your horsies.”  Frankly neither the kids nor the dogs really know how to respond to those.  All in all I do well with kids.  If they are fun I will sit and talk to them and play whatever they are in to.  If they aren’t fun and are throwing a fit I ignore them, or if we have to go somewhere, pick them up and walk away with them kicking and screaming under my arm or over my shoulder.  BUT this is in free fun time.  I have no idea how to act in a classroom setting with 25+ of them all staring at me.

My sister is a first grade teacher.  She is great at it and loves it but there are sooooo many rules.  At least I perceive that there are a lot of rules.  Can I talk about Christmas?  Can I talk about any kind of religion or what could be considered religious holidays even if they aren’t religious to me?  What about science?  Creationism (not that I would)?  Evolution (is that a topic for first graders)?  Is “stupid” really a bad word?”  What if they talk out of turn but what they say is really interesting do I have to ignore them?  What if one of them has a burger in his nose and it’s distracting?  What if I only like the really smart girl in the front row because she reminds me of myself and I don’t care about any of the other kids?  What if one of them smells really bad?  What if I say “good Lord” is that acceptable?  I am an Atheist so don’t believe in God does that make it ok or worse?  SO CONFUSING.

I was having this little mini nervous breakdown because, like last year, I was heading to my friend’s sons elementary school to read a book to a first grade class.  It took me awhile to even figure out what to read.  The first book I picked up was, Dragons Love Tacos.”  Hilarious.  Love it!  I googled the age ranges and was worried it was too young but it was soooooo funny I gave in and went with it.  Then I was questioning my decision because there really was no “learning” or “moral” to the story and shouldn’t there be?  After all this is school.  The only moral to this book was not to feed a group of dragons hot sauce.  I mean … yay … of course … good lesson … but not really something you want you kid to respond to you when you ask, “what did you learn in school today?”  Then I started reading more reviews and realized the book used the word “hate” more than a few times and apparently parents don’t like that so I freaked out and had to remember to substitute that horrible nasty no-no word with words like “loathe” and “don’t like.”

When push came to shove the book was a success and I got audience giggles through the entire thing.  Honestly there were huge chunks I didn’t read as much as just tell a story that was loosely based on the pictures and words on the page.  I ‘m sure the kids close enough to see the words were wondering why I was such a horrific reader.    The teacher seemed to be a-ok with me filling the time before recess so we had some things to chat about.  At one point I pointed to the front of the book where it said it was a “NY Times Best Seller.”  I asked what that meant and one little girl told me it meant the book was written in NY.  I immediately started to say, NO but changed it to noooooootttt quite, but almost!  Let’s face it she wasn’t even close.  I was afraid to say “no.”  I didn’t want her to grow up and become a stripper all because a guest reader said no to her in first grade.